There are the very small matters of starting up my own political party and getting elected for parliament to contend with first, but my mother reliably informs me – I’m a shoo-in, so here goes:
“Today is a good day. Her Majesty the Queen has asked me to form a new government and I have accepted; Eric Cantona has agreed to succeed Alex Ferguson at Manchester United and I found a five pound note in my coat pocket, along with a gobstopper and three penny chews.
I would like to express my gratitude to the outgoing Prime Minister for making me look so good. I’d also like to thank my mother for always believing in me, my bullies for never believing in me and my lucky pants, without whom I wouldn’t be here today.
Please allow me to introduce my new Cabinet:
I thought I’d break with tradition – and bring in a Chancellor who knows his sums: Count Von Count.
Consisting of 0% fat, 70% silicone, 20% Botox and 10% false eyelashes, Katie Price has an inexplicable net worth upwards of £40,000,000. I can only deduce that she must be the greatest entrepreneur the world has ever seen. With this in mind – please welcome her as Business Secretary.
There was simply no greater candidate for Party Chairman than my dear friend Animal, of Muppet fame. Have you seen him on the drums?
Former London Major, Boris Johnson plans to protect this country from ‘oiks’ by chasing them on his bicycle. I have appointed him Defence Secretary for leading by example.
As Artistic Director of Pineapple Dance Studios, Louie Spence loves nothing more than showing others how it is done. I have every faith in him as the new Health Secretary. Anyone who can put their feet behind their head above the age of 8 is okay by me.
Last, but by no means least – I needed someone I could really depend on for my beloved sidekick. So I have appointed Robin as my Deputy. Rest assured – he will not be wearing lycra in the office, though what he gets up to at weekends is his own business.
Together, my Cabinet and I plan to introduce some radical reforms to address, amongst other things – the debt crisis, obesity epidemic, global warming and Justin Bieber.
But first things first – that door seriously needs a lick of paint. I was considering aubergine…What do you think?”