Dearest Spammer, What Can I Say?

Dearest Spammer,

I would like to express my sincere gratitude for the mass-produced unsolicited marketing material you so thoughtfully sent to me and half a million others today.

And yesterday.

And every day for the last six and half years.

So good of you to think of me for your latest herbal supplement weight-loss campaign. You shouldn’t have. I feel that I owe you something in return; so please consider this letter my gift to you. No need to thank me…

There were several reasons I needed to decline your generous offer to test drive a Honda:

  1. I heard about the recent product recall over dodgy airbags and did not wish to risk breaking my face.
  2. As a jobless hobo I am currently unable to afford a paper aeroplane, let alone a shiny new car.
  3. They don’t make them in purple.
  4. I cannot drive.

How considerate of you to address the emotive topic of death whilst trying to sell me life insurance via email. Most people just can’t find the right words, but you nailed it.

Thank you so much for drawing my attention on 5th April to the imminent festive season. Season’s Greetings to you too!

I have decided to spend every penny of my one thousand pounds on Christmas decorations to adorn the roof of my home. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, after all.

Moving on – thank you so much for the MBNA reminder. I would have happily provided all of my personal banking information, including sort code, account number and Pin, if it wasn’t for the fact I don’t have an MBNA account.

So I input my husband’s details instead.

Despite having no need whatsoever for Viagra tablets, your ‘professional packaging’ intrigues me. I’ll take seven batches.

While we’re on the topic, I also have no requirement for a cure to male pattern baldness, nor do I need to enhance my ‘member’.

Feel free to send me free chocolate though, to accompany the herbal weight-loss supplements.



A Letter to my Younger Self

Dear 12 year old me,

I have some good news and some not-so good news about the next 17 years. Where shall I begin?


  • You do not marry Ronan Keating.
  • As yet, there’s still no sign of hoverboards. (That Michael J Fox has a lot to answer for).
  • Take That split up. Robbie Williams gets fat. Gary Barlow also gets fat.
  • You haven’t yet holidayed in Space. Though you do get as far as Cyprus – and it’s fabulous.
  • In your quest to find a boyfriend who looks like Grant Mitchell – you end up dating a lot of men who look unfortunately like Phil Mitchell.


  • You are no longer a short-arse.
  • You know that gawky looking fresh prince of Bel-Air? Think of him as an ugly duckling.
  • Gary Barlow gets fit. Take That reunite.
  • We have progress: Hillary Clinton is now officially more powerful than her husband Bill. Rugby Union legend Gareth Thomas came out. A black man runs the White House.
  • The Lion King returned to cinemas in 2011, this time – in high definition and 3D. You still remember (some of) the words.
  • You fall in love and get married. Your husband makes you smile every single day. I’m pleased to report –he doesn’t look a thing like Phil Mitchell.


  • That thing you’ve heard about called the internet? It’s going to be huge. It may even compensate for the lack of hoverboards.
  • You change your mind about the whole teaching career thing. Have a Plan E.
  • Princes William and Harry actually become borderline hotties. (Briefly).
  • Beware: Facebook.

No need to thank me – I know I am brilliant.


Me (aged 29¼)

Kisses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Prime Minister, This is why you need me…

RE: Job Ref no. 3947984HELPMEEEEEEEE

Dear Prime Minister,

May I call you Dave? Allow me to introduce myself – I am a consummate banking professional with a proven record of meeting deadlines, hitting targets and delivering excellent customer service. I can roll my tongue, order a hotdog in 17 languages and hold my breath for an hour and a half (so long as no-one pinches my nose).

I would like to put myself forward for the role of Deputy Prime Minister.



Please wish Nick Clegg all the best for me with his Ostrich Farm venture in Dorset.

As the strongest candidate for the job, I thoroughly recommend you hire me now.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely,

Jessica M

Dear Jessica, You shouldn’t have…

Dear Jessica,

Just what I always wanted – a plastic reindeer with edible poop. How ever did you know? I feel so silly now for only getting you a new Laptop, Blu-Ray player, 3 albums, 2 sets of pyjamas and a day ticket to a luxury Spa. You shouldn’t have. Really.

Having reviewed your list of demands, I can inform you that:

  • Sadly the British postal service is beyond help. Your Postman however may benefit from a few mood enhancing drugs slipped into his morning coffee, so no promises – but I’ll see what I can do.
  • I could provide toys to all the children of France for the price of one pair of Louboutin stilettos. Send me a Slanket and consider it done. (The French probably won’t even notice).
  • I already have a contract out on Justin Bieber.
  • I’m hoping to cure cancer in the next few months. After that, I’ll move on to diabetes.
  • It may have escaped your notice, but Beyoncé is very much preggers at the mo. Booty shaking is not permitted (doctor’s orders) until at least 3 hours after the birth.
  • You really need to speak to the Stork about the whole baby thing. While we’re on the topic – don’t overlook the Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny, who are both very clued up about children, babies and similar such things.
  • David Beckham and his right foot are indeed fully booked until May 2037. I can however get you Wayne Rooney in a stocking. If it helps – I find he looks less Shrek-like if you squint.
  • My sources in the know assure me that Boris Johnson is already odds on favourite to become PM in 2012, with Stephen Fry – a close second. I would consider that a result either way.
  • I imagine we can rustle you up a bike with stabilisers. Alternatively, you could learn to ride one like any normal 5½ year old child.
  • I killed Bin-Laden and Gadaffi, reunited The Stone Roses and convinced Sarah Palin to withdraw from the next American Presidential candidate race, all in one year. I deem that to be a pretty good start to World peace. You’re welcome.

Consider the Elves high-fived. They’re looking forward to meeting this Dave Cameron chap in March to discuss job openings in his Cabinet. I hear it’s quite likely he’ll need a new Deputy and I have just the right Elf for the job.

Regarding Cat-Gate 2011 – please allow me to make a few suggestions:

  1. I know Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton isn’t yours, but for the love of God – please rename her! That cat seriously needs to man-up, so something like Nails, Claw or Scar ought to do the trick.
  2. I beg you not to throw fruit at the cat again. She doesn’t understand the message behind it and it’s cruel. Aim it at the owners instead – they’ll soon get the hint.
  3. If all else fails – buy a rabid dog.

Congratulations on your nuptials. May you have many happy years together, with lots of children who take after their father.  Excellent news about Steps and Westlife, sorry to hear about your husband’s redundancy and the discontinued cheese. Hey ho – swings and roundabouts.

Oh and one last thing: Please stop leaving me milk and cookies. I’m lactose intolerant and the chocolate chips get stuck in my dentures.

Ho ho ho and all that.