2011 in a (larger than average) Nutshell and Plannage for 2012

2011 Highlights  

  • Celebrated the New Year with my fiancé, friends, SingStar and a deranged Springer Spaniel.
  • Planned our wedding. Saved for it. Sold numerous worldly possessions (including semi-vital organs) to help pay for it. Talked a lot about it. Wouldn’t shut up about it. Narrowly avoided being stabbed with a biro by work colleagues for going on about it so much. Toned down the wedding talk (a teeny bit).
  • Lovingly hand-made 67 invitations for the wedding. Suffered roughly 3 billion paper cuts in the process. Wished I hadn’t committed to making my own invitations. Posted invitations. Received lots of praise regarding said invitations. Glad I made invitations. Felt warm and fuzzy inside.
  • Announcement at work: Redundancies likely. Oh dear.
  • Attempted to lose half my bodyweight in preparation for the wedding. Actually lost roughly 9½ pounds (not half my bodyweight).
  • Received evil death stares from my brothers for not shutting up about the bloody wedding.
  • Had an amazing Hen Doo to celebrate forthcoming nuptials, during which I captained my own ship, went ape and allowed fish to eat my feet for breakfast. Loved my girlfriends even more as a result. Returned from Hen Doo. Collapsed with exhaustion. Slept for a week.
  • Enjoyed sampling my fiancé’s practise wedding cakes. Worried that I would no longer fit in my dress.
  • Had a manicure with my mum. Collected the dress. Forgot the veil. Did not sleep.
  • Leapt out of bed at stupid o’clock in the morning. Had a fabulous time being beautified with my bridesmaids. Reunited with my beloved veil – courtesy of one legendary best man. Wedged into my dress by bridesmaids.
  • Fashionably late (by almost an hour) I skipped up the aisle and married the love of my life.
  • Posed for photos. Got my leg out and embarrassed my new in-laws as a result.
  • Posed for more photos, without my leg out.
  • Managed to eat almost 2 whole spoonfuls of our 3 course wedding breakfast, due to corseted dress squishing my entire digestive tract into 4 square millimetres. Laughed at the speeches. Cut the cake. Ate cake.
  • Did an impromptu speech. Danced with hubby. (Got the distinct feeling we were being watched).
  • Friends and family joined in and there was a Take That dance-off.
  • Honeymooned in Cyprus. Sweated more than I thought was medically possible. Cooled off in the sea. Ate prawns the size of my head (and I have an abnormally large head). Loved every minute.
  • Returned to work. Did not love every minute.
  • Husband was made redundant from work.
  • Watched The Lion King in the West End as a birthday treat. Sang the first line from the “Circle of Lifeout loud repeatedly for 2 weeks. Really must learn the next line.
  • I got placed at risk of redundancy from work. Had a proper grown-up conversation with my brother about career options.
  • Husband found a new job.
  • Husband surprised me with a beautiful pine tree two weeks before Christmas. It died within an hour. Have spent most of the festive period extracting pine needles from my right eye.
  • Put milk and cookies out for Santa. ­W­as dutifully rewarded with magnificent gifts, so wrote a charming letter of thanks to him, like a good little girl.
  • Started my blog. Asked friends and family nicely to read my blog. Thanked those who did. Bugged those who didn’t.

2012 Plannage                       

  • Live, love, laugh and eat Jaffa Cakes.
  • Continue blogging.
  • Shamelessly plug said blog at any given opportunity.
  • Annoy people less and therefore avoid getting stabbed with a biro.

You did it again Santa. Bravo…

Dear Santa Claus,

Yet another flawless Christmas delivery; bravo. Would you be so kind as to educate Royal Mail on how it’s done? Even just the basics – like good time-keeping and not dropping items before they reach their destination would be fabulous. As a seasoned miracle-worker though, if you can teach my Postman to smile, then there may even be an extra homemade double choc-chip cookie in it for you next Christmas!

Thanks, as always for my fabulous gifts. I knew they’d be amazing, seeing as I’ve been extra good this year (aside from the minor incident with next door’s cat and a Satsuma. In my defence – I spent 3 long months tending to that flower border before Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton decided to desecrate it).

On the whole, I am pleased to report that 2011 has been a fabulous year. In summary:


  • Most importantly – I got married. We had a HEUWAGE party to celebrate. It was fabulous.
  • Of lesser significance – Wills and Kate also got married. I think they had a small doo to mark the occasion.
  • Steps have reformed.
  • Westlife are splitting up.


  • My hubby got made redundant.
  • Jim’ll Fix It legend Sir Jimmy Savile died
  • London Riots. Disgraceful.
  • Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton pooped on my rosebush.
  • The local supermarket has stopped selling my favourite cheese.

Did you like what we’ve done with the house? I thought you might appreciate the red accent walls, what with it being your favourite colour and all. Consider it homage to you. Apologies for the dead pine tree in the corner (not homage to you), I’m going to write a stern letter of complaint to my MP about that. I’ve known house flies live longer.

My organisational skills continue to impress and astound others. Just 2 days after Christmas and I’ve already purchased plentiful supplies of festive gift wrap, sticky bows, ribbon and cards, courtesy of the Boxing Day Sales, in preparation for next year (some call it “tight” I prefer the term “prepared”). Thank You cards have also been written and posted to all relevant parties. I might even surpass myself in 2012 and get Easter and Halloween in the bag by February.  So in the interests of planning and organisation, I thought I’d provide my Christmas list to you for next year, nice and early – like, well, erm…now.

I don’t ask for much, just:

  1. One smiley Postman.
  2. Diamond encrusted Louboutins (size 6 ½).
  3. A ‘Delete’ button to eliminate all animals, vegetables and minerals that irritate me, including, though not exclusive to: Justin Bieber, Michael Bublé, Matthew McConaughey, Sarah Palin, Simon Cowell, Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton, Brussel Sprouts, Avocados and Talc.
  4. A cure for diabetes. Pretty please.
  5. A dance-off with Beyoncé.
  6. A baby. Preferably one that is potty trained from birth and able to wind itself.
  7. David Beckham* in my Christmas stocking. *If you are unable to secure David Beckham due to his busy work schedule, then I am willing to accept any of the following as substitutes: Bradley Cooper, Brad Pitt (clean-shaven only), Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp. Please don’t embarrass yourself by trying to fob me off with Zac Efron.
  8. Boris Johnson for British Prime Minister. He’ll show the rest of them how it’s done.
  9. A pink grown-up bicycle with bell, basket, ribbons and stabilisers.
  10. World peace. Given that this may be something of a challenge – you have 2 years.

If you can see to it that the above demands are satisfied, then I shall endeavour to be an exceedingly good girl in 2012. I will tidy my room, make my bed, do the washing-up, pay the council tax, cook the tea, be nice to the Postman and promise not to throw any more fruit at felines with silly names (justified or not).

Please high-five the Elves for me on yet another job well-done. I think the youth of today could learn a lot from their strong work ethic. I’ll have words with David Cameron and try and get them an appointment at No.10.

Please find enclosed a small token of my appreciation in the form of a plastic reindeer that poops chocolate raisins. No need to thank me, I know it’s brilliant.

With love, hugs and chocolate raisins,

Jessica M, aged 29 ¼

Kisses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx