- Approach her face-on.
- Do not speak, unless spoken to.
- No touching.
- Try to mask the giant bolognaise stain you have on your blouse.
- Do not ask her to sign your cleavage; she doesn’t have a pen.
I was unsure of the correct etiquette for approaching television royalty Simon Cowell recently, when I faux-interviewed him. But I felt that a curtsy was in order:
Jessseeker: Your highness. I’m Jessseeker. It is great to meet you at last.
SC: Seriously though – what’s your real name?
SC: No, really – what’s your real name?
Jessseeker: Jessseeker is my real name.
SC: Well, I’m not going to call you Jessseeker, because I think that’s a stupid name. I’m going to call you Paula Abdul instead.
Jessseeker: Moving on – you were recently confronted by a female intruder armed with a brick, in your London mansion. That must have been terrifying?
SC: It was. I told her “Take anything you want, just don’t hit the face”.
Jessseeker: So with hindsight, do you regret not hiring Kevin Costner as your Bodyguard?
SC: Along with high waisted trousers and dating Sinitta, that is one of my biggest regrets.
Jessseeker: Good to know you are so grounded in spite of your fame and fortune. I can see you look after yourself. You’re obviously in great shape.
SC: Tell me something I don’t know.
Jessseeker: Is it true you do two hundred press-ups a day?
SC: Five hundred. Sack your researcher.
Jessseeker: You’ve been accused of being rude, arrogant and insensitive to contestants. Do you think it is fair to be so critical of others when you’re not exactly perfect yourself?
SC: One million percent yes.
Jessseeker: Final question. You said in the past that every show you have produced is something you would want to watch yourself. Can you explain Jedward to me please?
SC: Well Paula, let’s face it; they weren’t the act we were looking for. But the truth is – I don’t take myself too seriously and I don’t consider myself a star. Now where is that water I ordered? I wanted Evian, not Vittel. I said ‘tepid’; this is ‘lukewarm’ and I’m still waiting for my peeled grapes!
Incidentally – he offered to sign my cleavage, but I graciously declined.