Face to Faux with The Hoff

David Hasselhoff needs to explain himself. I still don’t have a talking car named Kitt and who on earth gave him permission to sing? Let’s see what he had to say for himself in this week’s instalment of Face to Faux:

Jessseeker: May I call you David? Or do you prefer ‘The Hoff’?

Hoff: ‘The Hoff Father’ is fine.

Jessseeker: Knight Rider rocked. Did you find your role as Michael Knight demanding?

Hoff: It was tough. You have no idea how tough. I had to talk to a car – and a watch.

Jessseeker: You also achieved huge success and notoriety with Baywatch.

It was well received internationally and has been shown in over 140 countries around the world. According to the Guinness Book of World Records it is the most watched TV show in the world. What do you think was the key to its phenomenal success?

Hoff: I believe the camera photographs your aura, and it also photographs your heart. If you look at Baywatch, everyone on that show had a great heart.

Jessseeker: Yes, that’s certainly why my brothers watched it. For Pamela Anderson’s heart.

Moving on – did you nick the baseline from the YMCA for your hit Crazy for You?

Hoff: I really have no idea what you’re talking about. Stop talking. Don’t hassle the Hoff.

Jessseeker: So, whilst we’re on the topic of bad music – what is the most embarrassing album you have ever owned?

Hoff: Probably my first album, ‘Night Rocker’. It was awful! It sold six copies, I bought five. It was number one in Austria though. Wherever that is.

Jessseeker: With a reported fortune of over $100,000,000, have you ever considered investing in singing lessons?

Hoff: Why bother? The Hoff’s got talent. I’m huge in Germany.

Jessseeker: In May 2007, a home video clip surfaced of you not looking your best. It showed your drunken attempt to eat a cheeseburger on the floor of a Las Vegas hotel room. Where were your table manners?

Hoff: I’d left them at home, along with my sanity. It was a low point. So were the many photo shoots in which I wore nothing but a black thong and a smile. I can only apologise.

Jessseeker: I couldn’t help but notice – the personalised photo prints of you on your website have been marked down in price. Are you disappointed by the lack of demand for images of you in a camp fur-lined robe?

Hoff: I felt there was a gap in the market. Turns out, there wasn’t.

Jessseeker: Final question then Hoff Father. Would you agree that your cameo appearance in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie was the pinnacle of your career?

Hoff: It’s a close call, but I’d say being serenaded by David Johnson on America’s Got Talent just beat it. He offered to spoon me the whole night through – even if I had the flu.

Life just doesn’t get better than that. Well, maybe if I had a cheeseburger…

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Face to Faux with Simon Cowell

When meeting The Queen of England, one must abide by certain royal etiquette:

  1. Approach her face-on.
  2. Do not speak, unless spoken to.
  3. No touching.
  4. Try to mask the giant bolognaise stain you have on your blouse.
  5. Do not ask her to sign your cleavage; she doesn’t have a pen.

I was unsure of the correct etiquette for approaching television royalty Simon Cowell recently, when I faux-interviewed him. But I felt that a curtsy was in order:

Jessseeker: Your highness. I’m Jessseeker. It is great to meet you at last.

SC: Seriously though – what’s your real name?

Jessseeker: Jessseeker.

SC: No, really – what’s your real name?

Jessseeker: Jessseeker is my real name.

SC: Well, I’m not going to call you Jessseeker, because I think that’s a stupid name. I’m going to call you Paula Abdul instead.

Jessseeker: Moving on – you were recently confronted by a female intruder armed with a brick, in your London mansion. That must have been terrifying?

SC: It was. I told her “Take anything you want, just don’t hit the face”.

Jessseeker: So with hindsight, do you regret not hiring Kevin Costner as your Bodyguard?

SC: Along with high waisted trousers and dating Sinitta, that is one of my biggest regrets.

Jessseeker: Good to know you are so grounded in spite of your fame and fortune. I can see you look after yourself. You’re obviously in great shape.

SC: Tell me something I don’t know.

Jessseeker: Is it true you do two hundred press-ups a day?

SC: Five hundred. Sack your researcher.

Jessseeker: You’ve been accused of being rude, arrogant and insensitive to contestants. Do you think it is fair to be so critical of others when you’re not exactly perfect yourself?

SC: One million percent yes.

Jessseeker:  Final question. You said in the past that every show you have produced is something you would want to watch yourself. Can you explain Jedward to me please?

SC: Well Paula, let’s face it; they weren’t the act we were looking for. But the truth is – I don’t take myself too seriously and I don’t consider myself a star. Now where is that water I ordered? I wanted Evian, not Vittel. I said ‘tepid’; this is ‘lukewarm’ and I’m still waiting for my peeled grapes!

Incidentally – he offered to sign my cleavage, but I graciously declined.