I strongly believe that chewing gum is a filthy habit.
I habitually chew gum.
Not once have I retained the packaging for future reference. Does anyone?
I cried when Max said goodbye to OB on Hollyoaks. Yes, really.
Only when accompanied by a small child, do I wait for the lights to change at a pedestrian crossing.
I am aware that I risk death by a thousand scorch marks when coughing loudly in the presence of smokers. Nonetheless – I have a point to make.
I have been known to eat my way through half a tube of Pringles in one sitting. Then cry.
I have a discoloured tooth, which contrary to popular belief – is not the result of poor dental hygiene, but the outcome of a food fight at University that got out of hand. Never take on your friend when she’s armed with a broom – you won’t win.
I know I talk too much. This does not stop me.
I have no idea what the terms “well jel” or “reem” mean, nor do I care. You have permission to slap me with a mackerel if I ever use them in a sentence without a hint of irony.
I once got very excited about the arrival of our new washing machine.
If Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton poops on my rosebush one more time – I shall pelt her with a pineapple.