JESSSEEKER, BA (Hons)
Become a wildly successful full-time writer, working from home in the comfort of my favourite SpongeBob SquarePants pyjamas. Convince Stephen Fry to write the foreword to my first book.Take over the world. Retire on a bed of gold-plated chocolate money.
PERSONAL ATTRIBUTES AND TALENTS
- Funky Chicken specialist.
- Cheese on toast connoisseur.
- Grand Master of tongue-rolling.
- Highly proficient blagger.
- Nifty right hook.
- Can recite all the words to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (abridged version, circa 1991).
- Remarkable stamina – particularly when talking, shopping and eating chocolate.
- Capable of solving a Rubik’s Cube within 3 hours, when armed with a screwdriver.
- Able to hold own breath for an hour and a half, so long as no-one pinches my nose.
Banker (not at all responsible for the global financial crisis) Feb 2006 – Feb 2012
Phone Monkey July 2005 – Feb 2006
Hostess with the Mostess Sep 2001 – June 2005
Shelf Stacker Specialist May 1999 – Sep 2001
Bachelor of Arts (honours) English. After over 3 years of study, having amassed approximately £18,000 of debt – I finally gained two letters after my name. Go me.
Advanced Level – English, Art and Media Studies. I shall never forget what I learnt at college: “When in an exam situation – if you can’t remember the year something happened, just put 1962. Lots of things happened in 1962”.
EXTENSIVE PORTFOLIO OF BRILLIANCE
HOBBIES AND INTERESTS
- Discussing Syria’s uprising with the washing machine.
- Attempting to catch dry roasted peanuts in my mouth (without choking).
- Figuring out how to rid the world of Justin Bieber.
- Playing along to The Voice at home in my office chair.
- Preparing acceptance speeches for my inevitable, highly coveted Blue Peter badge and Nobel Prize.
- Re-enacting The Emperor’s New Groove with my pet llama and next door’s cat.