My gracious loser face is well rehearsed. I have had many occasions to use it:
- The karaoke judges at Haven Holidays failed to appreciate my flawless rendition of ‘The Shoop Shoop Song’. (When I say “flawless”, I may have exaggerated a little – there were a few tuning issues, I forgot the words and my performance was lacking in melody, harmony and rhythm).
- I once came third in a Michael Jackson lookalike competition.
- Despite 3,792 submissions, none of my artwork ever made it onto Blue Peter.
- Simon Cowell was not amused by my recorder symphony of ‘Three Blind Mice’ – despite playing it through my nose.
- I missed out on the best costume prize at a friend’s Halloween party in 1991. The winner incidentally wore a white bed sheet with two eyeholes cut out of it. Even at eight years old – I could spot a fix at fifty paces.
Having spent so many years being overlooked, underappreciated and totally misunderstood (that’s my defence and I’m sticking with it) imagine my surprise and delight when this humble blog of mine was actually nominated for something fabulous. It was just so unexpected! So I danced like a rock star to celebrate.
Now picture my response when I received four further nominations for other awards – within ten days. (I might have self-combusted a little bit).
Okay, so given my misspent youth, I’m no expert on acceptance speeches – but I think I have a reasonable grasp of the etiquette:
- Thank all the people who made this possible.
- Say something heartfelt.
- Recognise those you believe to be brilliant.
- Have a major wardrobe malfunction. Bras and Knickers are strictly off limits.
- Forget anyone really important. Like your mother/father/border collie.
- Offend people.
- Get intoxicated.
- Bring along a superfluous handbag, or lose a shoe en-route. Thank you Meryl Streep:
SO HERE GOES:
* Thank all the people who made this possible* I wish to express my gratitude and undying love to the following thoroughly upstanding individuals for seeing something in me that Simon Cowell clearly did not. Here they are, along with the awards they bestowed upon me:
*Here’s the heartfelt bit* It means a lot to me; really. Thank you.
*Recognise those you believe to be brilliant* Having spent literally minutes on PowerPoint creating a totally made up, brand new, fancy schmancy award, I would like to present it to the following outstanding blogs for being ruddy marvellous. I highly recommend them to anyone:
The Life and Times of Nathan Badley
Prawn and Quartered
Life Outside the Wall
I believe this is the point in proceedings when the producer goes to commercials, so before I forget – I’d like to thank my mother, father, lucky pants and dog Yoko – who also made me smile all over my face. (Apart from the time she ate my favourite scrunchie).