Creative Fruit Loop Seeks Exciting New Job Opportunity

CURRICULUM VITAE

JESSSEEKER, BA (Hons)

OBJECTIVE

Become a wildly successful full-time writer, working from home in the comfort of my favourite SpongeBob SquarePants pyjamas. Convince Stephen Fry to write the foreword to my first book.Take over the world. Retire on a bed of gold-plated chocolate money.

PERSONAL ATTRIBUTES AND TALENTS

  • Funky Chicken specialist.
  • Cheese on toast connoisseur.
  • Grand Master of tongue-rolling.
  • Highly proficient blagger.
  • Nifty right hook.
  • Can recite all the words to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (abridged version, circa 1991).
  • Remarkable stamina – particularly when talking, shopping and eating chocolate.
  • Capable of solving a Rubik’s Cube within 3 hours, when armed with a screwdriver.
  • Able to hold own breath for an hour and a half, so long as no-one pinches my nose.

EXPERIENCE

Banker (not at all responsible for the global financial crisis) Feb 2006 – Feb 2012

Phone Monkey July 2005 – Feb 2006

Hostess with the Mostess Sep 2001 – June 2005

Shelf Stacker Specialist May 1999 – Sep 2001

EDUCATION 

Bachelor of Arts (honours) English. After over 3 years of study, having amassed approximately £18,000 of debt – I finally gained two letters after my name. Go me.

Advanced Level – English, Art and Media Studies. I shall never forget what I learnt at college: “When in an exam situation – if you can’t remember the year something happened, just put 1962. Lots of things happened in 1962”.

EXTENSIVE PORTFOLIO OF BRILLIANCE

HOBBIES AND INTERESTS

  • Discussing Syria’s uprising with the washing machine.
  • Attempting to catch dry roasted peanuts in my mouth (without choking).
  • Figuring out how to rid the world of Justin Bieber.
  • Playing along to The Voice at home in my office chair.
  • Preparing acceptance speeches for my inevitable, highly coveted Blue Peter badge and Nobel Prize.
  • Re-enacting The Emperor’s New Groove with my pet llama and next door’s cat.
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41 thoughts on “Creative Fruit Loop Seeks Exciting New Job Opportunity

  1. I think your talents know no bounds, and as such your CV overwhelms any but the most extraordinary of employers. There’s little doubt in my mind that Stephen Fry would be both honored and humbled to provide the forward to your book and objects other than your washing machine would feel privileged to engage in a dialogue with you about the conditions in Syria. Given that my personal penchant is for M&Ms, you may want to try lobbing those into your mouth without choking, for they ultimately melt which obviously decreases the likelihood of fatal choking. 🙂

  2. Smart gal, Jesseeker. Hey, I didn’t know I could put letters after my name. Thought that required an additional sum of money (infinity, as best I recall) for letters much further along in the alphabet. If not, then mine would say B.S., and, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, that’s not as flattering sounding as yours. I sorta don’t want folks to read my name, followed by a vision that entails a bull’s excrement. Just saying. ;^)

  3. You are adorable. I’m going to adopt you. Even though it’s long distance, I think it will work. As your overseas adopted mum, I’ll have to brag about how talented you are…but there won’t be any of that uncomfortable nagging about grandchildren!

  4. Discussing Syria’s uprising with the washing machine….you are talented 🙂
    “Capable of solving a Rubik’s Cube within 3 hours, when armed with a screwdriver.” this one almost killed me with a laughter i couldn’t control…
    when talking, shopping and eating chocolate…i think i can also use this in my CV.. 😉

    amazing post…too funny..great one Jess 🙂

  5. I’m so impressed with this and your ability to make the most of your many, many, um, talents. Since reading this, I have revised my own CV to include, “Can name all 8 kids from Eight is Enough.” I know most people cannot. You forgot to include, “Have conducted an exclusive interview with The Hoff.” I think that could land you about any job you’d like.

    Hope your job search is going well. Banker? Really?

    • Thank you! How foolish of me to overlook my interview with The Hoff! I couldn’t name any of the kids from Eight is Enough, because I had never heard of it! Do I need to invest in the DVD boxset?

      My previous job title was (brace yourself) ‘Workforce Capacity Analyst’ – working at a bank. Even I didn’t know what the job title meant, so I tend to stick with ‘Banker’. I had nothing to do with buying, selling or devaluing shares, thank goodness. Maybe I could be one of those people who started off working in a Bank and end up being an Olympic Javelin Thrower / Gourmet Chef / Rubik’s Cube Champion / Pro-Blogger? 😉

  6. Your posts never cease to make me laugh. Thanks for that.
    I actually wish that more bankers had the qualifications you have. We might not have had such a financial crisis. I mean, if everyone could recite the words of Fresh Prince, the world would be a better place 🙂

  7. hahahaha 🙂 I think the most impressive thing that I can do is sing along to The Big Bang Theory theme song without taking a breath 🙂 Great CV!!! xxx

    • Wow! I think I can just about manage “Our whole Universe was in a hot dense state, then 40 million years ago…something something something…la da de daa…” *Takes bow*

      Thank you and bravo! 🙂

  8. hahaha this was hilarious! I love it! Especially the whole “take over the world” thing, world domination has always been number one on my To Do List! 🙂

  9. I don’t know.

    How is it that you have not yet been voted, begged to become even, The Ruler of the World?!?!?

    Dude, you so have my Vote! We Need You!

    Your CV demonstrates, proves beyond any doubt your more than capable abilities to guide and lead us, the utterly miserable masses.

    *shoulder shrug*

    I Blame the weather. Global Warming, ya know…

  10. Pingback: Day 21. Teetering on the Precipice of Stupidity | jessseeker

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