Creative Fruit Loop Seeks Exciting New Job Opportunity

Posted on April 17, 2012 by Jessseeker

CURRICULUM VITAE

JESSSEEKER, BA (Hons)

OBJECTIVE

Become a wildly successful full-time writer, working from home in the comfort of my favourite SpongeBob SquarePants pyjamas. Convince Stephen Fry to write the foreword to my first book.Take over the world. Retire on a bed of gold-plated chocolate money.

PERSONAL ATTRIBUTES AND TALENTS

Funky Chicken specialist.
Cheese on toast connoisseur.
Grand Master of tongue-rolling.
Highly proficient blagger.
Nifty right hook.
Can recite all the words to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (abridged version, circa 1991).
Remarkable stamina – particularly when talking, shopping and eating chocolate.
Capable of solving a Rubik’s Cube within 3 hours, when armed with a screwdriver.
Able to hold own breath for an hour and a half, so long as no-one pinches my nose.

EXPERIENCE

Banker (not at all responsible for the global financial crisis) Feb 2006 – Feb 2012

Phone Monkey July 2005 – Feb 2006

Hostess with the Mostess Sep 2001 – June 2005

Shelf Stacker Specialist May 1999 – Sep 2001

EDUCATION

Bachelor of Arts (honours) English. After over 3 years of study, having amassed approximately £18,000 of debt – I finally gained two letters after my name. Go me.

Advanced Level – English, Art and Media Studies. I shall never forget what I learnt at college: “When in an exam situation – if you can’t remember the year something happened, just put 1962. Lots of things happened in 1962”.

EXTENSIVE PORTFOLIO OF BRILLIANCE

HOBBIES AND INTERESTS

Discussing Syria’s uprising with the washing machine.
Attempting to catch dry roasted peanuts in my mouth (without choking).
Figuring out how to rid the world of Justin Bieber.
Playing along to The Voice at home in my office chair.
Preparing acceptance speeches for my inevitable, highly coveted Blue Peter badge and Nobel Prize.
Re-enacting The Emperor’s New Groove with my pet llama and next door’s cat.

41 thoughts on “Creative Fruit Loop Seeks Exciting New Job Opportunity”

mimijk on April 17, 2012 at 5:33 pm said:

I think your talents know no bounds, and as such your CV overwhelms any but the most extraordinary of employers. There’s little doubt in my mind that Stephen Fry would be both honored and humbled to provide the forward to your book and objects other than your washing machine would feel privileged to engage in a dialogue with you about the conditions in Syria. Given that my personal penchant is for M&Ms, you may want to try lobbing those into your mouth without choking, for they ultimately melt which obviously decreases the likelihood of fatal choking. 🙂

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- jessseeker on April 17, 2012 at 6:57 pm said:
  
  Mimi, I feel thoroughly undeserving of all your praise, but you have just made my day. Thank you so much!
  
  I shall give the M&Ms a go and report back to you! 🙂
  
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La La on April 17, 2012 at 5:39 pm said:

Love this. For a moment I thought someone had posted my CV with someone else’s photo 😉

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- jessseeker on April 17, 2012 at 6:58 pm said:
  
  Can you solve a Rubik’s Cube within 3 hours when armed with a screwdriver too? Excellent!
  
  Thank you!
  
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finally_write on April 17, 2012 at 5:41 pm said:

Smart gal, Jesseeker. Hey, I didn’t know I could put letters after my name. Thought that required an additional sum of money (infinity, as best I recall) for letters much further along in the alphabet. If not, then mine would say B.S., and, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, that’s not as flattering sounding as yours. I sorta don’t want folks to read my name, followed by a vision that entails a bull’s excrement. Just saying. ;^)

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- jessseeker on April 17, 2012 at 7:00 pm said:
  
  Never overlook CJD (also cattle related). No money required!
  
  Thanks! 😀
  
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  - Chris on April 20, 2012 at 8:28 am said:
    
    I’m a BSc myself.
    
    I always wonder why people expect me to be able to do sums or something with testtubes…
    
    Should I write it out in full instead?
    
    Sincerely yours,
    
    Chris BSc (Bronze Swimming Certificate)
    
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    - jessseeker on April 20, 2012 at 6:32 pm said:
      
      This explains a lot. Make sure you include your impressive qualification in its original form on your CV, otherwise they won’t take you seriously.
      
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G M Barlean on April 17, 2012 at 6:03 pm said:

You are adorable. I’m going to adopt you. Even though it’s long distance, I think it will work. As your overseas adopted mum, I’ll have to brag about how talented you are…but there won’t be any of that uncomfortable nagging about grandchildren!

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- jessseeker on April 17, 2012 at 7:02 pm said:
  
  Excellent plan! Adopt away! I’d be honoured!
  
  Thank you adoptive mother 😉
  
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littlemissobsessivesanatomy on April 17, 2012 at 6:22 pm said:

Discussing Syria’s uprising with the washing machine….you are talented 🙂
“Capable of solving a Rubik’s Cube within 3 hours, when armed with a screwdriver.” this one almost killed me with a laughter i couldn’t control…
when talking, shopping and eating chocolate…i think i can also use this in my CV.. 😉

amazing post…too funny..great one Jess 🙂

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- jessseeker on April 17, 2012 at 7:09 pm said:
  
  I do LOVE how you quote your favourite bits from my posts! Always great to know and never fails to make me smile. 🙂
  
  Thank you lady! You rock! 😀
  
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  - littlemissobsessivesanatomy on April 17, 2012 at 7:22 pm said:
    
    😀 😀 Thank you for the kind words…
    reading your blog always brings a smile …
    
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speaker7 on April 17, 2012 at 11:25 pm said:

I’m impressed by your ability to discuss important topics with your washing machine. My washing machine is a big jerk and horribly racist.

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- jessseeker on April 18, 2012 at 9:33 am said:
  
  Mine is Eastern European and therefore able to relate to such topics. I have seen no signs of racism. It’s a keeper. 😉
  
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  - Chris on April 20, 2012 at 8:19 am said:
    
    You have to watch out for these white goods supremacists.
    
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    - jessseeker on April 20, 2012 at 6:30 pm said:
      
      Good call. I hear they can be trouble.
      
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Angie Z. on April 18, 2012 at 2:00 am said:

I’m so impressed with this and your ability to make the most of your many, many, um, talents. Since reading this, I have revised my own CV to include, “Can name all 8 kids from Eight is Enough.” I know most people cannot. You forgot to include, “Have conducted an exclusive interview with The Hoff.” I think that could land you about any job you’d like.

Hope your job search is going well. Banker? Really?

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- jessseeker on April 18, 2012 at 9:44 am said:
  
  Thank you! How foolish of me to overlook my interview with The Hoff! I couldn’t name any of the kids from Eight is Enough, because I had never heard of it! Do I need to invest in the DVD boxset?
  
  My previous job title was (brace yourself) ‘Workforce Capacity Analyst’ – working at a bank. Even I didn’t know what the job title meant, so I tend to stick with ‘Banker’. I had nothing to do with buying, selling or devaluing shares, thank goodness. Maybe I could be one of those people who started off working in a Bank and end up being an Olympic Javelin Thrower / Gourmet Chef / Rubik’s Cube Champion / Pro-Blogger? 😉
  
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kodakkerouacs on April 18, 2012 at 4:08 am said:

Your posts never cease to make me laugh. Thanks for that.
I actually wish that more bankers had the qualifications you have. We might not have had such a financial crisis. I mean, if everyone could recite the words of Fresh Prince, the world would be a better place 🙂

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- jessseeker on April 18, 2012 at 9:46 am said:
  
  Excellent news, thank you!
  
  So true! Do you think we could incorporate The Fresh Prince into the National Curriculum? 🙂
  
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  - kodakkerouacs on April 18, 2012 at 2:19 pm said:
    
    Without a doubt. And Will Smith should be put on the face of every currency.
    
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    - jessseeker on April 18, 2012 at 8:02 pm said:
      
      I concur!
      
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taylaac on April 18, 2012 at 12:19 pm said:

hahahaha 🙂 I think the most impressive thing that I can do is sing along to The Big Bang Theory theme song without taking a breath 🙂 Great CV!!! xxx

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- jessseeker on April 18, 2012 at 1:04 pm said:
  
  Wow! I think I can just about manage “Our whole Universe was in a hot dense state, then 40 million years ago…something something something…la da de daa…” *Takes bow*
  
  Thank you and bravo! 🙂
  
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tia5 on April 18, 2012 at 12:31 pm said:

hahaha this was hilarious! I love it! Especially the whole “take over the world” thing, world domination has always been number one on my To Do List! 🙂

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- jessseeker on April 18, 2012 at 1:07 pm said:
  
  Thank you! Why settle for Prime Minister of England / President of the United States / CEO of Apple, when you can take over the world! 😉
  
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Lyssapants on April 18, 2012 at 6:27 pm said:

I would like to hire you to re-enact The Emperor’s New Groove for my entertainment. I hope payment in the form of M&Ms is acceptable.

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- jessseeker on April 18, 2012 at 8:04 pm said:
  
  Offer accepted! My usual currency is chocolate or chicken wings, so M&Ms will suffice! No fee for the llama. 😉
  
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  - Lyssapants on April 18, 2012 at 8:18 pm said:
    
    Pleasure doing business with you.
    
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From The Pews on April 19, 2012 at 3:21 pm said:

I don’t know.

How is it that you have not yet been voted, begged to become even, The Ruler of the World?!?!?

Dude, you so have my Vote! We Need You!

Your CV demonstrates, proves beyond any doubt your more than capable abilities to guide and lead us, the utterly miserable masses.

*shoulder shrug*

I Blame the weather. Global Warming, ya know…

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- From The Pews on April 19, 2012 at 3:26 pm said:
  
  BTW, Ummm, I just shared this and as I was sharing I almost, ALMOST typed and left
  “No matter what the position, she can handle it”
  
  Yes, I changed it. You know, there are many people with their minds in the gutter…not me of course, but you know 😉
  
  God Love Ya and Thanks for the smile, ALWAYS ♥
  
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  - jessseeker on April 19, 2012 at 8:14 pm said:
    
    Ha! Minds in the gutter – yes. Let’s blame others… 😉
    
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    - From The Pews on April 19, 2012 at 8:37 pm said:
      
      It’s those Others that make Us Non-Others look bad. Geesh! Others 😛
      
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- jessseeker on April 19, 2012 at 8:13 pm said:
  
  Oh you do say the nicest things! Thank you! It is an outrage that I am not yet ruler of the world, but fear not – I am working on it. 😉 Would you be so kind as to follow me on Facebook? Just follow the link and click ‘like’: http://www.facebook.com/jessseeker I’m trying to build my following.
  
  Global warming is to blame for everything. 😉
  
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  - From The Pews on April 19, 2012 at 8:38 pm said:
    
    DONE!!!
    
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    - From The Pews on April 19, 2012 at 8:41 pm said:
      
      So this is what I shared on My Page 😉
      
      This is a Great Blog/Page that can Always make you laugh!
      And not just a hee hee kinda laugh, NO!
      A Milk-coming-out-of-your-nose kinda laugh!
      A Crap-here-comes-my-boss-she’s-going-to-wonder-why-i’m-busting-up kinda laugh!
      Enjoy!!
      
      I hope they understand that you have a purdee good sense of humour 😕
      
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      - jessseeker on April 19, 2012 at 8:58 pm said:
        
        Well I do hope the milk spillage can be contained! 😉
        
        You are a superstar! Thank you! I’m now following you too. 🙂 Hoorah!
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Picture-Bandit on April 20, 2012 at 6:39 pm said:

Holy S**… ambitious Stephen Fry writing the foreword! 😉 Undoubtedly it would be awesome and an honor.

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- jessseeker on April 20, 2012 at 6:40 pm said:
  
  Never let it be said that I lack ambition! 😉 He is a legend after all. 🙂
  
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