1. Thou Shalt Not Document Thy Every Move.
“Just got out of bed. Dreamt about being a pufferfish”. [0 Comments].
“Breakfast”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].
“On bus”. [0 Comments].
“At work. Photocopier broken”. [0 Comments].
“Lunch”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].
“Work update: Photocopier fixed”. [0 Comments].
“On bus again. Old man sitting next to me smells of socks”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].
“Walking from bus to my house”. [0 Comments].
“I wonder what I should have for tea”. [1 Comment: “Cyanide” (32 Likes)].
“Chicken nuggets, chips and peas. Yum yum”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].
“Jam roly-poly for dessert”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].
“Off to bed. Night night homies”. [0 Comments].
2. Thou Shalt Not Use Stupid Apps and then Invite Others to Use Said Apps.
I will throw an actual sheep at the next person who invites me to join FarmVille.
Don’t think I’m joking.
3. Thou Shalt Not ‘Friend’ Thy Mother or Thy Boss.
Pictures of you dressed as Hitler will not impress them.
Status updates like “Dude, last night was so funked* up. Did anyone return the llama?” are also unlikely to put you in line for promotion.
Also, if you really don’t want your mother to see the dodgy tattoo on your left buttock, then it is probably wise not to moon your best friend when he’s armed with a camera.
4. Thou Shalt Not Create a Group, Then Send Thirty-Two Thousand Frickin’ Messages.
I thought I’d message you again, just to say – there’s still no update. Once I have an update, I’ll let you know, but if I don’t hear anything then I’ll get back to you within 30 minutes”.
5. Thou Shalt Not ‘Friend’ People Thou Dost Not Know.
Nobody has 36,792 friends. Not even the cast of Friends.
6. Thou Shalt Not Air Thy Dirty Laundry in Public.
“You think you know someone, give them everything, then they funk* you over. Trust no one”.
There’s a time and a place for this sort of thing. You have 2 choices:
- In a quiet bar, with close friends.
- On national television with Jeremy Kyle.
*Censored for the women and children.
7. Thou Shalt Not Tag Friends in Incriminating Photos. Unless Thou Wanteth No Friends.
Your real concern however should be the ammunition your friends have against you.
Hot-pink leotards don’t look good on anyone – particularly 12 year old boys. Dancing to Madonna. With 7 girls. On stage. At Brownies.
8. Thou Shalt Not Divulge Too Much Information.
I am delighted that your baby made it here safely. Name, birth weight and “mother and baby doing well” will suffice. Details of the labour, how many centimetres dilated and reports that “it got a bit messy” are superfluous to requirements. I’m quite happy to maintain my belief that you found him or her in a cabbage patch. Thank you.
9. Thou Shalt Not Rant Chronically.
“I can’t believe the price of stamps have gone up by 10%! 10%!”
“God it’s hot. I hate this”.
“Freezing cold. Come back sun”.
In the words of Chandler Bing “My wallet’s too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight”.
10. Thou Shalt Not Contact Anyone Whilst Intoxicated.
Never EVER declare your undying love or burning hatred to someone whilst inebriated.
Your spelling and grammar will be atrocious.
Reblogged this on DeDeRants and commented:
11. Thou Shalt Not Tag Friends In Pictures That Have NOTHING To Do With Said People Being Tagged.
It’s annoying, and it needs to STOP.
Why thank you! I wholly concur! Why, why, why do they do it? 😉
It’s about time someone put all this in writing! Great post!
You’re welcome! I started writing the 7 Deadly Sins, but Commandments seemed to work better. Glad you like it! Thanks! 🙂
Best. Reply. Ever! 🙂
Some person on Facebook wrote “Great minds think alike” after posting a picture of her Farmville animal eating breakfast.
Speaker7, you have just confirmed what I already knew: You are a god’dam genius! Excellent work. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I concur!
Priceless! So funny and all right on the mark.
Thanks! I might have disowned a few people for not abiding by the above. Quite rightly methinks. 😉
Ha! We all have our moments!
Thank you! High five! 😉
A bright spot in my day. I haven’t even checked Facebook, for obvious reasons.
Probably wise. Try to avoid people who lose llamas… 😉
so what is one to do on facebook if not all of the above? (except for tagging irrelevant people and inviting them to endless apps) ??
I heard a rumour about social networking. Whatever that is… 😉
I have some very specific people I would very much like to send this to. Great post.
Oh please do. Anonymously perhaps? 😉
Further to the airing of the dirty laundry – thou shall not get mad when thou airs their dirty laundry and people ask questions about it, if you post about it, don’t get mad when people want to know more. I’ve never understood that logic on facebook – if it’s private, why did you post it? I guess that was my first mistake, bringing logic on to facebook 😉
Also I think that picture of the sheep made my whole day.
“Some men are just complete wonkers” (censored).
“I don’t want to talk about it”.
Oooooh goodness! Thumbs up for this! I have this FB friend who continually updates about how tired she is, from her phone, in the wee hours of the morning. Get off your phone, stop uselessly checking/updating FB for no reason, and GO TO SLEEP.
Don’t forget the vague, “You are such a cow/tramp/b*tch, I hate you, you know who you are!” type statuses. I hate those!!
Thank you! Sadly, she’s not the only one. Nobody sleeps in a quiet room anymore, then they wonder why.
I overlooked vagueness. Excellent point, bravo.
Yeah, the cryptic ones that beg for others to ask what’s wrong, those get my goat. Or sheep. Or llama. “Sometimes the universe just seems to be picking on me.”
Llama! Tee hee! Yes, the entire Universe. Because you matter that much 😉
Best blog EVER,!
Mimi, you say the nicest things! Thank you! 🙂
“I wonder what I should have for tea”. [1 Comment: “Cyanide” (32 Likes)].
after reading this one i guess i couldnt control my laughter for long time becasue the guy working next to me turned his neck twice towards me..
Ha! Brilliant! You should have referred it to my blog. 🙂 He probably just thought you were a little crazy. I get that a lot…
funny thing happened today and it reminded me of your post…
last night there was a bad thunderstorm and many trees and electricity pole went down…one tree fell on my boss’s Audii…so he writes on his FB about tree smashing his Audii’s window and many people liked it…hahahaha 😀
Methinks a few people are very ‘like’ happy! 😉
That, my Dear, is a sigh of Relief!! 😀
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!
I needed my does of Jessseeker!!
AND Thank you for THIS Post!! I will be sharing over and over again 😉
God Love Ya ♥♥
Bless you. Thank you so much for the love! I am not deserving of all this praise! 🙂 You are fabulous! ♥
Reblogged this on From The Pews and commented:
One can ALWAYS count on jessseeker for a laugh AND Wisdom 😉
Hope you Enjoy this as much as I DO!!!
Also did it on Facebook!! HA HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA
And Twitter 😉
You may just be my biggest fan. 😉 Thank you!!
Is there a facebook confessional for all of us who have committed sins against these commandments? If so, is Mark Zuck. ordained to give us penance?
I should think so. I’m pretty sure you can get a certificate on Ebay for that sort of thing. 😉
Yes; he’s probably the best option you’ve got, too. If that doesn’t work, that only leaves long-shots Nancy Grace and one’s own mother for penance-giving.
LOL! Absolutely hilarious! Great stuff! 🙂
Thanks! Can’t stop, I’m off to find a llama…
Whahahahahha! OMG! Now I am screaming with laughter and everyone in the house is fast asleep! Shame on you! LOL!
It’s okay – I found him. Tied to a lamppost – no eyebrows… 😉
Whahahahahahaha! OMG! What happened to his eyebrows? Too much Facebook? LOL!
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It’s just plain awesome that you and Speaker7 wrote witty rules about Facebook use on roughly the same day! It’s like all my prayers have been answered!
I couldn’t agree more on all of these. I want to throw a 2-minute-old cow pie at the head of the dumbass who invented FarmVille. And #4 should translate to group reply-all emails.
Cow pie! Why didn’t I think of that? Drat and double drat!
Thank you Angie! Much respect to Speaker7. A veritable library of awesomeness!
Reblogged this on Sonel's Photographic Corner and commented:
Absolutely hilarious! Thanks to From the Pews for reblogging this funny lady’s blog I am now sitting here at 11:39pm LMAO! 🙂
A thousand thank yous! 🙂 Here – have a llama…
Whahahahaha! Oooh…the one without the eyebrows! Thanks! LOL!
Hilarious and so true! 😀
Thank you! I have an awful lot of annoying people to thank for this post. 😉
But I thought doing everything you say not to was part of the essential conduct for Facebooking – or shortly when being a Tweetering Twit?
So long as you’re happy for all of your friends to disown you – feel free to continue doing such things. 😉
Friends? What friends? 🙂
Reblogged this on where'smyT-backandotherstories and commented:
I’m stealing this from jesseeker. She’s so hilarious! She wrote down things I wished I did about the many reasons why I do not spend as much time on Facebook anymore.
Steal away! I’m very flattered! Thank you! 😀 Now have you seen my llama?
This is so hilarious, I re-blogged this even before I could ask your permission I’ve been spending less and less time on Facebook. I think the novelty has worn off.
Novelty? What novelty? I spend 24 hours a day messaging people I don’t know… 😉
Reblogged this on marsk and commented:
this is to funny to not reblog it:)
Thank you! Thanks for sharing the sheep – and the llama! 🙂
Thank u for this real funny Facebook ”rules”….heheh, i reblogged ur 10 commandments inhere and want to add this, some ppl in Fcaebook use this to show their concern about whats going on in the world, if earth or human…. but mostly i see the social twats and twits, still if ppl are content why not?//….. but still its real hillarious to see Facebook by ur 10 nice ones…..:)
You’re welcome. 😉 How shrewd of you to notice. So true! Thanks!
This is brilliant!
Thanks! I think the pufferfish pushed it up from mediocre. 😉
Reblogged this on Feisty Red Hair and commented:
She hits the nail on the head with some of my own Facebook-related pet peeves, primarily those of the “diarrheaists”, who share far too much information online, primarily personal!
Thank you red headed maiden! I love that term: diaeeheaists! You are brilliant! 🙂
It’s not my term, unfortunately. I saw it on a friend’s FB page yesterday and it made an impression!
Thank you! I’m sure you shared my delight that the photocopier got fixed mid-afternoon. 😉
I couldn’t decide whether to include that comment or not as feared retribution from sheep lovers everywhere. As yet – no hate mail.
It has kept me grinning all day! believe me!
This is excellent!
Thank you! I’d like to dedicate it to all those lost llamas out there. 😉
Hilarious! Trying to figure out how many people I will alienate if I share this on FB! Doing it anyway 🙂
Excellent! Lots I hope! They might get the hint. 😉
Haha again; another brilliant blog!
Why thank you! 🙂 I still can’t find my llama.
I actually hide all posts from a few people because they tweet on Facebook – and was thrilled when one discovered Twitter and stopped using FB for this!
It’s also scary the things people put out there for all to see unprotected – Hey, kids – when your friends comment on your posts, all their friends see them!
Thanks for a thoughtful, funny post!
Maybe they should attend an evening class to learn about social networking? I’m pretty sure the above commandments could be incorporated into the curriculum! 😉
Thank you! 🙂
Agree x 10! Although I will have to admit that I’m pretty insulated from much of what goes on in Facebook – I only remember to check what’s going on every couple of weeks. Then I realize that I didn’t miss much.
Good luck with the llama…. 🙂
Pingback: The 10 Commandments of Facebook
Thank you! Fame at last! 😉
Regarding the third commandment:
That occasional trusting Facebooker who has friended not only his mother and his boss, but also his MOTHER’S BOSS is at the most terrible disadvantage in social networking…especially if he has a habitually inappropriate friend.
“Dude, remember that one time when you got so wasted you peed from the top of that tree? Man, I miss high school. Good times bro. Good times.”
Do you get that a lot? 😉 I hear it’s surprisingly common.
Ha ha! Replace “high school” with “last weekend”, and unfortunately, yes. Yes I do. 🙂 My mom knows better than to friend me on Facebook.
Ha! Wise woman. Mine doesn’t… 😉
Hi there! This post is hilarious! May I get permission to reblog it? A million thanks in advance. 🙂
Absolutely! Reblog away! 🙂 Thank you!
Reblogged this on Pearl's Closet and commented:
Whe I read this post, I thought I ought to share this with you all!
Thank you! Spread the word! 😀