The 10 Commandments of Facebook

1. Thou Shalt Not Document Thy Every Move.

“Just got out of bed. Dreamt about being a pufferfish”. [0 Comments].

“Breakfast”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“On bus”. [0 Comments].

“At work. Photocopier broken”. [0 Comments].

“Lunch”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“Work update: Photocopier fixed”. [0 Comments].

“On bus again. Old man sitting next to me smells of socks”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“Walking from bus to my house”. [0 Comments].

“I wonder what I should have for tea”. [1 Comment: “Cyanide” (32 Likes)].

“Chicken nuggets, chips and peas. Yum yum”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“Jam roly-poly for dessert”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“Off to bed. Night night homies”. [0 Comments].

2. Thou Shalt Not Use Stupid Apps and then Invite Others to Use Said Apps.

I will throw an actual sheep at the next person who invites me to join FarmVille

Don’t think I’m joking.

3. Thou Shalt Not ‘Friend’ Thy Mother or Thy Boss.

Pictures of you dressed as Hitler will not impress them.

Status updates like “Dude, last night was so funked* up. Did anyone return the llama?” are also unlikely to put you in line for promotion. 

Also, if you really don’t want your mother to see the dodgy tattoo on your left buttock, then it is probably wise not to moon your best friend when he’s armed with a camera.

4. Thou Shalt Not Create a Group, Then Send Thirty-Two Thousand Frickin’ Messages.

“Hi guys,

I thought I’d message you again, just to say – there’s still no update. Once I have an update, I’ll let you know, but if I don’t hear anything then I’ll get back to you within 30 minutes”.

5. Thou Shalt Not ‘Friend’ People Thou Dost Not Know.

Nobody has 36,792 friends. Not even the cast of Friends.

6. Thou Shalt Not Air Thy Dirty Laundry in Public.

“You think you know someone, give them everything, then they funk* you over. Trust no one”.

There’s a time and a place for this sort of thing. You have 2 choices:

  1. In a quiet bar, with close friends.
  2. On national television with Jeremy Kyle.

*Censored for the women and children.

7. Thou Shalt Not Tag Friends in Incriminating Photos. Unless Thou Wanteth No Friends.

Your real concern however should be the ammunition your friends have against you.

Hot-pink leotards don’t look good on anyone – particularly 12 year old boys. Dancing to Madonna. With 7 girls. On stage. At Brownies.

8. Thou Shalt Not Divulge Too Much Information.

I am delighted that your baby made it here safely. Name, birth weight and “mother and baby doing well” will suffice. Details of the labour, how many centimetres dilated and reports that “it got a bit messy” are superfluous to requirements. I’m quite happy to maintain my belief that you found him or her in a cabbage patch. Thank you.

9. Thou Shalt Not Rant Chronically.

“I can’t believe the price of stamps have gone up by 10%! 10%!”

“God it’s hot. I hate this”.

“Freezing cold. Come back sun”.

In the words of Chandler BingMy wallet’s too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight”.

10. Thou Shalt Not Contact Anyone Whilst Intoxicated. 

Never EVER declare your undying love or burning hatred to someone whilst inebriated.

Your spelling and grammar will be atrocious.

Advertisements

95 thoughts on “The 10 Commandments of Facebook

  1. Further to the airing of the dirty laundry – thou shall not get mad when thou airs their dirty laundry and people ask questions about it, if you post about it, don’t get mad when people want to know more. I’ve never understood that logic on facebook – if it’s private, why did you post it? I guess that was my first mistake, bringing logic on to facebook 😉

    Also I think that picture of the sheep made my whole day.

  2. Oooooh goodness! Thumbs up for this! I have this FB friend who continually updates about how tired she is, from her phone, in the wee hours of the morning. Get off your phone, stop uselessly checking/updating FB for no reason, and GO TO SLEEP.

    Don’t forget the vague, “You are such a cow/tramp/b*tch, I hate you, you know who you are!” type statuses. I hate those!!

  3. Ahhhhh….

    That, my Dear, is a sigh of Relief!! 😀

    Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!

    I needed my does of Jessseeker!!

    AND Thank you for THIS Post!! I will be sharing over and over again 😉

    God Love Ya ♥♥

  4. Is there a facebook confessional for all of us who have committed sins against these commandments? If so, is Mark Zuck. ordained to give us penance?

  5. Pingback: The 10 Commandments of Facebook | From The Pews' Puter... | Scoop.it

  6. It’s just plain awesome that you and Speaker7 wrote witty rules about Facebook use on roughly the same day! It’s like all my prayers have been answered!

    I couldn’t agree more on all of these. I want to throw a 2-minute-old cow pie at the head of the dumbass who invented FarmVille. And #4 should translate to group reply-all emails.

  7. Thank u for this real funny Facebook ”rules”….heheh, i reblogged ur 10 commandments inhere and want to add this, some ppl in Fcaebook use this to show their concern about whats going on in the world, if earth or human…. but mostly i see the social twats and twits, still if ppl are content why not?//….. but still its real hillarious to see Facebook by ur 10 nice ones…..:)

  8. I actually hide all posts from a few people because they tweet on Facebook – and was thrilled when one discovered Twitter and stopped using FB for this!
    It’s also scary the things people put out there for all to see unprotected – Hey, kids – when your friends comment on your posts, all their friends see them!
    Thanks for a thoughtful, funny post!

    • Maybe they should attend an evening class to learn about social networking? I’m pretty sure the above commandments could be incorporated into the curriculum! 😉

      Thank you! 🙂

  9. Agree x 10! Although I will have to admit that I’m pretty insulated from much of what goes on in Facebook – I only remember to check what’s going on every couple of weeks. Then I realize that I didn’t miss much.

    Good luck with the llama…. 🙂

  10. Pingback: The 10 Commandments of Facebook

  11. Regarding the third commandment:

    That occasional trusting Facebooker who has friended not only his mother and his boss, but also his MOTHER’S BOSS is at the most terrible disadvantage in social networking…especially if he has a habitually inappropriate friend.

    “Dude, remember that one time when you got so wasted you peed from the top of that tree? Man, I miss high school. Good times bro. Good times.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s