I have a confession. I secretly love it when other people say really dumb things. Does that make me a bad person? Quite possibly, but I can live with that.
Here are a few of my favourites. All genuine:
“I don’t believe in God. I’m an amethyst”.
“You’re going on holiday? Anywhere nice?” No, self catering in Afghanistan. In a cave. Alone. Or I might circumnavigate the Falkland Islands in a submarine.
“It’s raining. That horrible rain that gets you really wet”. As opposed to…?
“What’s the number for 999?” We’re in an emergency situation. I don’t have time for your stupidity.
“I really fancy the black guy from JLS”. You’re going to have to narrow it down a bit more.
“You are driving erotically. Pull over!” I shall take that as a compliment.
[To a diabetic friend whose blood glucose was a little high] “Do you want me to get you some Ready Salted crisps? Salt lowers blood sugar”. They’re not acid and alkaline – salt doesn’t cancel out sugar. Who taught you Chemistry?
“Can you see out of your glass eye?” Who said that?
“The exception proves the rule”. Does it? Does it?
“How many sides does a triangle have?” I no longer wish to be associated with you.
“I could care less”. You could? Excellent.
[Having purchased one item at the supermarket, the checkout assistant asks] “Would you like help with your packing?” No, I think I can just about manage a loaf of bread singlehandedly, thank you.
“I recognise your voice from your email”.
“Tell me everything. Be pacific”. I’m not great at this role-play thing, so you’re going to have to help me. How exactly do I become an ocean? 
“My eyesight has been playing up, and I keep getting headaches, so I’m having a rectal scan tomorrow”. You need to change your doctor.
[Upon hearing Simon and Garfunkel’s ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ for the first time] “Has someone covered Hearsay?”
“Well, me, myself, personally…” How many of you are there?
“Absolutely. 110%”. So Maths – not your strong point? 
[In the boardroom] “We don’t have to boil the ocean”. Always reassuring to know. Now back to work…
“I may not know a lot about politics, but I do know that James Cameron is not the right Prime Minister to lead us out of recession”. Very true. Despite a strong Directing career, his political credentials are somewhat lacking. Shall we see how David Cameron fares instead?
“Silence when you’re talking to me”.
Sometimes there are no words.
jessseeker 
My favourites are “There is a panasonic view from here” and “Don’t those penises (peonies) look lovely”
Both excellent! And I’m sure those penises do look lovely… 😉
I love this stuff. I cringe the most when I hear someone say something that they think is “impordent”, ” http://wp.me/p1se8R-Pb Come join me on the force!
Ooh! Suposebly! Another one!
Great post – I too am a member of the Word Police. 🙂
This was way way funny! Made my day (literally since it’s 2am here!) 😀 Thanks!!!
I am delighted to have made your day. I wish I could take the credit, but I have all those scatterbrains to thank. 😉 Thank you!
Loved this! Are you looking for a job? Try stand up!
You have officially just made my day. ‘Tis one of the few jobs I had overlooked. Shall investigate! 😀
Thank you! 🙂
hahahahaha…silence when you are talking to me…“You are driving erotically. Pull over!”….“I really fancy the black guy from JLS”….“Tell me everything. Be pacific”.. So so funny…
I did laugh for about 10 minutes when the girl at work made the JLS comment. I have her to thank really. 😉
Thanks as always for your support! You are fabulous! 🙂
“The exception proves the rule (EXISTS).” If it doesn’t exist already, there can be no exceptions to it. =) My personal hair tearing out, she-hulk annoyance is “wallah.” I despair for the public education system.
It’s doomed, DOOMED I tell you! 😉
Great list! But I remember being on the other side of this, since during high school my friends tended to write down all the sh*t things that came from my mouth. Well, it wasn’t quite as bad as the things on your list but on the way there 😀 What was it, I wanted to say here? Not sure, but I know some of this happens to the best of us and sometimes I say stuff like that on purpose 😀 just to make my friends laugh and give them a story to tell 🙂
I did once ask someone to call me a taxi and they responded “You’re a taxi”. I am not immune either! It’s good to know we’re all human. 😉
You sure do know some pretty… strange people.
I liked my GP asking me (3 minutes after I had outed myself as a biologist) whether I ever had an operation on my ‘tummy’. Um, where exactly is that?
I believe it’s found below your boobies and above your lady bits. 😉
How about “I have a problem with my prostrate?”
Brilliant! 🙂
Love it! Great giggle before work!
Thanks! That’s exactly what I love to hear! Not someone telling me a packet of salted crisps will sort me out 😉 Even though he meant well..
“I’ll have an expresso” is also one of those annoying things you hear all the time. How much faster can that poor little swig of caffeine get?!
Love it! So true! 🙂
Ok I admit I am guilty of a few of those sayings, but in my defense the me, myself, and I thing could be true. My husband often calls me Sibyl and I have been known to go from one personality to another in a split second.
Don’t worry Ann, I’m certainly not without blame. “Call me a taxi” being one of my finer moments. 😉
Great stuff! I have one more to add to your list ” I will visit you when I am in the windcity (vicinity)” – : ) Wonder which city that is !
Ooh, I’ve not heard that one before. It sounds delightful – a little blustery though. 🙂
I love stupid people. They make my day
God bless them! 😉
I love these so much, the come backs are even more hilarious!!! This reminds me of a now former friend who felt the need to inform me that she “didn’t believe in lesbians” I told her that while that was a bit harsh, but they still existed despite her feelings on the matter – she just stared at me blankly, oh there is just no helping some people 😉
You have just made me laugh out loud! While we’re on the subject – I don’t believe in bananas.
But they are so yellow and delicious!!! 😉
Nope. I don’t care. I just don’t believe. You can’t mess with someone’s beliefs! 😉
lol! Freedom of speech and all that jazz I guess 😉
I have a terrible need to soothingly patronise these people it’s cruel but I love it! It’s the garbage business jargon that makes me unable to watch the apprentice the need to throw the telly through the window is too overwhelming!
Oh I don’t know – some telly through the window action sounds like fun! 😉
Whahahahaha! Thanks for the laugh! I am sitting here giggling…at 11:01pm South African time. Glad I found your blog and thank “From the Pews”…she reblogged you. 🙂
I am very, very lucky to have “From the Pews” as such an avid fan! 🙂
Hope I don’t keep you up too late, but great to welcome someone new into the fold. Enjoy!
Oh, she is one lovely lady and enjoys your posts for sure. 🙂
Nah, one of those nights where I can’t sleep..you know…and thanks for the welcome. Always great to find awesome blogs like yours. 🙂
*hugs*
Okay. Laughed out loud. Then laughed some more at the ‘comments.’ Then thought “Dear God…DO NOT let me meet this woman.” The upside of that for you would be quite a few more stupid comments for your list. I CANNOT keep my foot out of my mouth!!!
Ha! I’m not that scary really. I did once tell my science teacher a plant was an orgasm. (Pretty sure I meant organism).
Thanks!
Pretty hilarious shit. But actually I’m just more impressed that with so many comments you still have the decency and care to reply to them all lol. Now insert witty comment here:
Thank you! 🙂 My mother always taught me the importance of good manners. It’s a dying art. 😉