Salt Lowers Blood Sugar and Other Utterly Preposterous Things to Say

I have a confession. I secretly love it when other people say really dumb things. Does that make me a bad person?  Quite possibly, but I can live with that.

Here are a few of my favourites. All genuine:

“I don’t believe in God. I’m an amethyst”.

“You’re going on holiday? Anywhere nice?” No, self catering in Afghanistan. In a cave. Alone. Or I might circumnavigate the Falkland Islands in a submarine.

“It’s raining. That horrible rain that gets you really wet”.  As opposed to…?

“What’s the number for 999?” We’re in an emergency situation. I don’t have time for your stupidity.

“I really fancy the black guy from JLS”. You’re going to have to narrow it down a bit more.

“You are driving erotically. Pull over!” I shall take that as a compliment.

[To a diabetic friend whose blood glucose was a little high] “Do you want me to get you some Ready Salted crisps? Salt lowers blood sugar”. They’re not acid and alkaline – salt doesn’t cancel out sugar. Who taught you Chemistry?

“Can you see out of your glass eye?” Who said that?

“The exception proves the rule”. Does it? Does it?

“How many sides does a triangle have?” I no longer wish to be associated with you.

“I could care less”. You could? Excellent.

[Having purchased one item at the supermarket, the checkout assistant asks] “Would you like help with your packing?” No, I think I can just about manage a loaf of bread singlehandedly, thank you.

“I recognise your voice from your email”.

“Tell me everything. Be pacific”. I’m not great at this role-play thing, so you’re going to have to help me. How exactly do I become an ocean? 

“My eyesight has been playing up, and I keep getting headaches, so I’m having a rectal scan tomorrow”. You need to change your doctor.

[Upon hearing Simon and Garfunkel’s ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ for the first time] “Has someone covered Hearsay?” 

“Well, me, myself, personally…” How many of you are there?

“Absolutely. 110%”. So Maths – not your strong point? 

[In the boardroom] “We don’t have to boil the ocean”. Always reassuring to know. Now back to work…

“I may not know a lot about politics, but I do know that James Cameron is not the right Prime Minister to lead us out of recession”. Very true. Despite a strong Directing career, his political credentials are somewhat lacking. Shall we see how David Cameron fares instead?

“Silence when you’re talking to me”.

Sometimes there are no words.

42 thoughts on “Salt Lowers Blood Sugar and Other Utterly Preposterous Things to Say

  1. My favourites are “There is a panasonic view from here” and “Don’t those penises (peonies) look lovely”

    • I did laugh for about 10 minutes when the girl at work made the JLS comment. I have her to thank really. 😉

      Thanks as always for your support! You are fabulous! 🙂

  2. “The exception proves the rule (EXISTS).” If it doesn’t exist already, there can be no exceptions to it. =) My personal hair tearing out, she-hulk annoyance is “wallah.” I despair for the public education system.

  3. Great list! But I remember being on the other side of this, since during high school my friends tended to write down all the sh*t things that came from my mouth. Well, it wasn’t quite as bad as the things on your list but on the way there 😀 What was it, I wanted to say here? Not sure, but I know some of this happens to the best of us and sometimes I say stuff like that on purpose 😀 just to make my friends laugh and give them a story to tell 🙂

  4. You sure do know some pretty… strange people.

    I liked my GP asking me (3 minutes after I had outed myself as a biologist) whether I ever had an operation on my ‘tummy’. Um, where exactly is that?

  5. Ok I admit I am guilty of a few of those sayings, but in my defense the me, myself, and I thing could be true. My husband often calls me Sibyl and I have been known to go from one personality to another in a split second.

  6. Great stuff! I have one more to add to your list ” I will visit you when I am in the windcity (vicinity)” – : ) Wonder which city that is !

  7. I love these so much, the come backs are even more hilarious!!! This reminds me of a now former friend who felt the need to inform me that she “didn’t believe in lesbians” I told her that while that was a bit harsh, but they still existed despite her feelings on the matter – she just stared at me blankly, oh there is just no helping some people 😉

  8. I have a terrible need to soothingly patronise these people it’s cruel but I love it! It’s the garbage business jargon that makes me unable to watch the apprentice the need to throw the telly through the window is too overwhelming!

  9. Whahahahaha! Thanks for the laugh! I am sitting here giggling…at 11:01pm South African time. Glad I found your blog and thank “From the Pews”…she reblogged you. 🙂

    • I am very, very lucky to have “From the Pews” as such an avid fan! 🙂

      Hope I don’t keep you up too late, but great to welcome someone new into the fold. Enjoy!

      • Oh, she is one lovely lady and enjoys your posts for sure. 🙂
        Nah, one of those nights where I can’t know…and thanks for the welcome. Always great to find awesome blogs like yours. 🙂

  10. Okay. Laughed out loud. Then laughed some more at the ‘comments.’ Then thought “Dear God…DO NOT let me meet this woman.” The upside of that for you would be quite a few more stupid comments for your list. I CANNOT keep my foot out of my mouth!!!

  11. Pretty hilarious shit. But actually I’m just more impressed that with so many comments you still have the decency and care to reply to them all lol. Now insert witty comment here:

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