Dearest Spammer,
I would like to express my sincere gratitude for the mass-produced unsolicited marketing material you so thoughtfully sent to me and half a million others today.
And yesterday.
And every day for the last six and half years.
So good of you to think of me for your latest herbal supplement weight-loss campaign. You shouldn’t have. I feel that I owe you something in return; so please consider this letter my gift to you. No need to thank me…
There were several reasons I needed to decline your generous offer to test drive a Honda:
- I heard about the recent product recall over dodgy airbags and did not wish to risk breaking my face.
- As a jobless hobo I am currently unable to afford a paper aeroplane, let alone a shiny new car.
- They don’t make them in purple.
- I cannot drive.
How considerate of you to address the emotive topic of death whilst trying to sell me life insurance via email. Most people just can’t find the right words, but you nailed it. 
Thank you so much for drawing my attention on 5th April to the imminent festive season. Season’s Greetings to you too! 
I have decided to spend every penny of my one thousand pounds on Christmas decorations to adorn the roof of my home. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, after all.
Moving on – thank you so much for the MBNA reminder. I would have happily provided all of my personal banking information, including sort code, account number and Pin, if it wasn’t for the fact I don’t have an MBNA account.
So I input my husband’s details instead. 
Despite having no need whatsoever for Viagra tablets, your ‘professional packaging’ intrigues me. I’ll take seven batches.
While we’re on the topic, I also have no requirement for a cure to male pattern baldness, nor do I need to enhance my ‘member’.
Feel free to send me free chocolate though, to accompany the herbal weight-loss supplements.
Yours,
Jessseeker
jessseeker 
Maybe they could combine all of them, you know, for when you have to make that hard decision to drive to the insurance agent to gamble on your future…or something.
An inspired suggestion! Quite brilliant! 🙂
Never in their wildest dreams would the forefathers have imagined spam to exist. It almost makes me want to waive my rights as a human being just to have less emails.
I concur! There’s a lot to be said for being a cat… 😉
Brilliant your best yet!
Thank you! I do try… 🙂
I wish my spam were so interesting – mine mostly begin with “Dear Web Master, We’ve noticed your hits on Google are very low”….sigh..
Maybe I’m on an elite spamming list?
On a positive note though – you are now a Web Master! I bow down to you.
Lol – I have no idea what it means, but my husband really doesn’t like that I now call him “Grasshopper”
Ha! Brilliant! 😀
Your spam is so amazing. I mainly get ideas for blasting belly fat–so many, I’m beginning to develop a complex. I would write more, but my belly fat is getting in the way of the keyboard.
Would herbal weight-loss supplements help per chance?
I’m getting fed up of the “You need a bigger penis!” emails.
I should never have given my address to my wife.
That explains the breast enhancement ones she keeps receiving.
I think I’ll stick to chocolate. 🙂
hahaha… i totally get it… right now i have over 14 spam in my inbox ..
i have a post title “perfect love song” which has got funny spam messages.. ..now i don’t get it how does Vitamin e Oil and Stretch mark removal relate to my “love song” post … 😛
You mean vitamin E oil and stretch mark removal don’t feature in your ‘Perfect Love Song’ post? Maybe this was an oversight on your part that they were trying to correct? 😉
hahahahaha…you are right….maybe they were trying to tell me to improve… 😉
how could i not include stretch mark removal thing in my love post…? 😀
Foolish. Foolish I tell you. 😉
i just checked my email spam, and gotta love the one in bold letters trying to grab my attention from the rest of the junk: GO BIGGER: ADD THREE INCHES OF MANHOOD NOW!!
What does that even mean? three inches of facial hair? three inches onto my foot size? They really need to elaborate, because I am drawing a blank here…
They do need to elaborate, you are quite right! Chest hair perhaps? 😉
I’m pretty sure they mean nose hair. After all, how do you add inches to a manly smell?
Of course! Why didn’t I think of that? 😉
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I may always be a couple days late reading but I just have to read what you write. You always make me laugh.
I used to get the enlarge my penis emails all the time. Guess they figured at my age I no longer have any use for that. Of course I never did, not having a penis and all.
I will also accept any and all chocolate.
Interesting…I believe you are suffering from age discrimination. Should you ever feel left out, I am more than happy to forward on some of my 3,762 spam emails to you.
Thank you Ann, you say the loveliest things! 🙂 Here’s to chocolate!
I remember getting so excited when I got the Nigerian scam one, not because I thought I was getting money, but because I’d been hearing about the email for so long and I’d never received it and then finally 10 years later I got the email and it felt so glorious that someone thought to ask ME to send them a little money in trust so that they could me a vast fortune 🙂 now that’s good spam! The viagra pill ones make me giggle though, and the ones we used to get at my last job always had such atrocious spelling that it made it ten times worse!
You must have been delighted to finally join the club! 😉 It is true to say – I would never buy viagra from a company who can’t spell. Or at all in fact. 🙂
Yeah, I also love to chat to sexy, large-breasted blondes in my area. Although I don’t see how their mammaries make them more eloquent chat partners? Should I ask hubby about that?
Definitely ask your hubby. Maybe he could answer one of life’s great mysteries! 🙂
I love getting spammers telling me they have beautiful women for me who love to talk. And they want to talk to ME. If it didn’t cost me anything, I might consider giving them a ring to talk out my life’s direction, whether I need a new hairstyle and what color they think I should paint my bathroom.
Sadly it’s not free. I believe you’d need to remortgage your house in order to cover the phone bill. I’m thinking duck egg for the bathroom. Quite serene. That will be £1,000 please. 🙂