When meeting The Queen of England, one must abide by certain royal etiquette:
- Approach her face-on.
- Do not speak, unless spoken to.
- No touching.
- Try to mask the giant bolognaise stain you have on your blouse.
- Do not ask her to sign your cleavage; she doesn’t have a pen.
I was unsure of the correct etiquette for approaching television royalty Simon Cowell recently, when I faux-interviewed him. But I felt that a curtsy was in order:
Jessseeker: Your highness. I’m Jessseeker. It is great to meet you at last.
SC: Seriously though – what’s your real name?
Jessseeker: Jessseeker.
SC: No, really – what’s your real name?
Jessseeker: Jessseeker is my real name.
SC: Well, I’m not going to call you Jessseeker, because I think that’s a stupid name. I’m going to call you Paula Abdul instead.
Jessseeker: Moving on – you were recently confronted by a female intruder armed with a brick, in your London mansion. That must have been terrifying?
SC: It was. I told her “Take anything you want, just don’t hit the face”.
Jessseeker: So with hindsight, do you regret not hiring Kevin Costner as your Bodyguard?
SC: Along with high waisted trousers and dating Sinitta, that is one of my biggest regrets.
Jessseeker: Good to know you are so grounded in spite of your fame and fortune. I can see you look after yourself. You’re obviously in great shape.
SC: Tell me something I don’t know.
Jessseeker: Is it true you do two hundred press-ups a day?
SC: Five hundred. Sack your researcher.
Jessseeker: You’ve been accused of being rude, arrogant and insensitive to contestants. Do you think it is fair to be so critical of others when you’re not exactly perfect yourself?
SC: One million percent yes.
Jessseeker: Final question. You said in the past that every show you have produced is something you would want to watch yourself. Can you explain Jedward to me please?
SC: Well Paula, let’s face it; they weren’t the act we were looking for. But the truth is – I don’t take myself too seriously and I don’t consider myself a star. Now where is that water I ordered? I wanted Evian, not Vittel. I said ‘tepid’; this is ‘lukewarm’ and I’m still waiting for my peeled grapes!
Incidentally – he offered to sign my cleavage, but I graciously declined.
jessseeker 
Haha! I remember that bit off X Factor when he hated someone’s name.
Excellent interview!
Oh excellent! I did wonder if anyone would remember it. The chap in question was named Storm and Simon had a one man protest about it. So funny!
Thank you!
It’s never too late to hire Kevin Costner Simon! Great interview Paula;-)
He did make an excellent bodyguard. Quite tasty (back in the day) too.
Thank you darling Bashi.
Paula x
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Gee, I’m so glad you got out of there without too much damage to your self-esteem. Simon can be quite nasty.
Incidentally, we have a German equivalent, Dieter Bohlen, who is producing several casting shows and making the life of the contestants a living hell. He also gets sued on a regular basis for crossing all kinds of lines. Ahhh, good old show business…
There’s no business like show business, like no business I know! 😉
He sounds delightful. Let’s hope the two of them never meet. Imagine the carnage! 😉
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I refuse to believe this is faux. It feels to real. Good call on declining the clevage-signing.
X-Factor is the most boring show on the planet. I feel like I should be allowed to sign Simon’s cleavage in retaliation for watching it for 10 minutes.
I believe I joined an elite club of women who have turned down Simon Cowell. Go me! Definitely overrated.
I’m thinking that this may be the start of a new series of posts. Face to Faux Interviews with annoying celebs. Any requests for interviewees? The Bieber? Paris Hilton? Lindsay Lohan?
Fantastic interview. Next time, ask him “why all the t-shirts?” I’m sure he’s answered that before but it would be fun to annoy him by asking again. Is he as pompous in person as he is on TV? I bet he’s way shorter.
Thank you! Excellent question – why didn’t I think of it? He’s actually 4’7″ and wears a wig on his head, as well as his chest. More pompous, believe it or not!
Cowell interests me. He brings people to tears so casually, almost sociopathically, but when he praises someone, he praises grandly. He is full of extremes. I wouldn’t want to spend any time with him, but on television he is sort of fascinating.
It’s all a front. I hear he sleeps with a blanky. 😉
Now if the Queen and Simon met, who would be the one to curtsy? It would be a royal etiquette nightmare.
Great interview, Paula (the artist formerly known as Jesseeker).
H’mm, good question. I’d pay good money to see a Cowell curtsy!
Thank you Angie. I’m thinking this may be the start of a new series of posts. Face to Faux with various (annoying) celebs. Any special requests? The Hoff perhaps? Bieber? Charlie Sheen? 🙂
I’d pay good money to see The Hoff in the hot seat.
Consider it done. 😀
Oh, then by “money” I meant “compliments”.
😀
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Giggle…giggle… Yet another brilliant idea! Where do they come from?!
Thank you! This one in particular cropped up when my brother and I were talking about a dream world where I am mega famous and get to interview celebrities. He suggested that until that time I should just pretend that I interviewed them. I’d love to take the credit, but I’m thinking it was his idea.
As for the majority of my posts though – I’ve just written about where I find inspiration: https://jessseeker.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/if-only-i-had-a-brain/ Hope you like it! 🙂