This Season, I Shall Mostly Be Wearing Slippers

In a moment of genius yesterday, I decided to walk three miles home in four inch heels. My feet are now adorned with blisters and I think I lost a toe. So this season, I shall mostly be wearing slippers – an unexpected staple for my spring wardrobe.

Thank goodness animal prints are currently on trend, otherwise my faux giraffe skin, fleece-lined slipper boots might look out of place at my job interview next week.

Regrettably, this is not the first time I have suffered in the name of fashion:

Some boots aren’t made for walkin’.  If high heels weren’t pretty and painful in equal measure, then I wouldn’t have thirty-seven pairs in my wardrobe I never wear.

Step away from the cabbage. As a University student, my desperate bid to squeeze into a particularly stunning dress, two sizes smaller than me, involved living solely on cabbage soup for two weeks. If only I had been pre-warned about the side effects…

Breathe in. Now hold it there – for eighteen hours. My corseted wedding dress may have taken four inches off my waist, but I couldn’t eat, drink or breathe in it. I still maintain it was totally worth the damage to my internal organs – and I didn’t need those bottom ribs anyway. 

You can stand under my umbrella (ella ella ay ay ay) but only if it complements my dress. Having left my trusty umbrella at home last month because it didn’t go with my outfit, I got caught in a torrential downpour thirty minutes later. I soon discovered that my purple satin clutch bag made a very poor umbrella substitute and my waterproof mascara had definitely been sold to me under false pretences.

I found myself singing Rihanna at the bus-stop at ten of clock at night – at which point my husband quite rightly disowned me.

One of these days I shall learn from my mistakes, but until then, I anticipate a great many more blisters, fad diets, funny looks from total strangers and photos on Facebook of me looking like a drowned rat.

Sorry about that.

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26 thoughts on “This Season, I Shall Mostly Be Wearing Slippers

  1. LOL, my dream would be to wear/walk in high heels, but I am exactly the same height as my husband so I tend to flat. Frustrating that the fashion industry does not make attractive shoe styles in low heels. I’m currently looking for shoes for my step-daughter’s wedding, I want to look my best and it’s so hard! And it’s an outdoor wedding so my other step-daughter has 4″ stilettos and I said “Great for the lawn!”, I don’t know how she will survive the day!

    What we women do for fashion! Very silly indeed! 🙂

    • Heels are overrated, so don’t feel too bad. I can’t walk at the moment. I hope you have a fabulous time at your step-daughter’s wedding! I always bring heels and emergency flats (which usually get brought out by the early evening). A floor-length maxi dress is another option? 🙂

      Thanks!

      • Ya, got the dress, not floor length, but I either will reuse some shoes or get some new flats. Still have time. My daughter is looking at 4″ wedges, but she will def have flats as a back-up! Grass is not friendly to high heels, neither is being in them all day 🙂 The bride wants to wear flats too, better to be practical then in pain! 🙂

  2. My neighbour – a bogan (check online dictionary) – once spent an ENTIRE DAY singing Umbrella on his Singstar. It was loud and unpleasant and most involved a dude going “ella ella ella” over and over and over again. This was even more bizarre because he was a bogan and usually listened to hard rock. He has moved away now. THANK YOU GOD.

    • ‘Bogan’ has just become my word of the day! Fabulous! Thank you! I do hope the Rihanna video didn’t bring back any painful memories for you. Let’s hope your former neighbour found a delightful new home in the middle of nowhere. 😉

  3. Ah, you know, I’d rather you make yourself suffer with unnecessary, unpractical or unfitting fashion accessories than make me lose my eyesight because of the hideousness of your outfit. Happens way too often to me here in Essex. What are these girls thinking, wearing black see-through leggings on no-business legs under slightly elongated shirts that hardly cover definitely-no-business behinds?! Not to mention the obligatory worn out, askew uggs in sunny spring weather!

    Sometimes I am very happy I don’t care about fashion at all. Saves me from having to religiously follow all these atrocious styles and fashions. Best example: We got married on the beach (in Sri Lanka), both barefoot. My idea of the perfect wedding shoes 🙂

    • I think that’s why so many of us aspire to be full-time writers – nothing to do with the joy of writing, fame, fortune or recognition. It’s so we can go to work in our slippers and bathrobe!

      I believe the bathrobes are our future, wear them well and let them lead the way… 😉

  4. I love my heels but I picked up in American movies in the eighties wear trainers to work and heels in work! Definitely wore the 3 sizes too small shaping underwear on my wedding day. Also have frozen my ears off on the odd occasion as been unable to wear a hat to work as my hair was up and I would’ve had a massive bump at the back!

  5. Pingback: If Only I Had a Brain | jessseeker

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