Oh Dear Diaries…

I have spoken before about the trauma I suffered aged six, when my brother Chris decapitated my beloved Tiny Tears doll. It is fair to say that none of us were ever the same again:

– Chris realised he should never mess with his little sister – due to her nifty right hook.

– I learnt to hide stuff from my brothers that I didn’t want damaged / maimed / beheaded.

– Tiny Tears developed a new-found appreciation for polo neck tops.

I became exceptionally good at concealing my possessions after Tiny Tearsgate, 1989. Anything of value or sentiment was stowed away in a safe place, until I left home at the age of eighteen. This included, though was not exclusive to:

– A second-hand paperback copy of Roald Dahl’s Matilda, purchased for fifteen pence.

– My extensive Pog collection.

– One hundred high quality fibre-tipped colouring pens.

– Three mixed tapes of Boyzone, Peter Andre, the Spice Girls, and Backstreet Boys.

– My top secret, highly confidential, tell-all diaries, that I began writing in 1995, at the             tempestuous age of twelve.

With impressive foresight at just fourteen, I acknowledged that I’d probably look back on my diaries in years to come and laugh. I may have underestimated just how much.

Here are some highlights from the last seventeen years in the life of me.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent:

11/05/1997 SECONDARY SCHOOL: Everything in this diary seemed to have a point to it when I wrote it. That’s why I refuse to look back and cross stuff out. Even the really embarrassing stuff about fancying Dave from my Maths class and cutting my own fringe. Again.

27/12/1997 SECONDARY SCHOOL: New Year’s Resolutions for 1998

  1. I will slap the next person who says I fancy Dave, because I don’t.
  2. I will tidy my room at some point this year.
  3. I will keep my room tidy for at least a week.
  4. I will stop worrying so much about how I look.
  5. I will marry Ronan Keating.

30/12/1998 SECONDARY SCHOOL: New Year’s Resolutions for 1999

  1. I will cut down on chips and chocolate, eat my greens and drink more milk.
  2. I will either slap or kiss Smith for being such a git.
  3. I will snog any (well, just about any) boy who offers.
  4. I will not take my mobile to school for the sole purpose of showing off. Well, maybe.

11/05/2000 COLLEGE: Oh fudge. I tried to pluck my eyebrows to make them look better, but now it’s a case of “Eyebrows? What eyebrows?” Will have to draw them on with pencil until further notice. Note to self: step away from the tweezers.

11/03/2001 COLLEGE: 

21/06/2001 COLLEGE: Have opted to come down with food poisoning on Friday. Not actual food poisoning, but this is my brilliant plan to get out of work. I am brilliant.

30/11/2001 UNIVERSITY: Nothing to report apart from my slow spiralling descent into madness.

“I didn’t lose my mind; it was mine to give away.” Robbie Williams.

11/02/2002 UNIVERSITY: This afternoon was highly productive. I finally mastered the art of reading half a book and blagging the fact I read the whole thing. It’s a talent. One I am proud of and grateful for.

19/04/2002 UNIVERSITY: My plans to go into Uni today were scuppered by an overwhelming desire to sit at home on my bed and highlight stuff. Very important stuff; naturally.

22/04/2003 UNIVERSITY: 

13/08/2003 UNIVERSITY: Mental note: Everything happens for a reason and anything pants that seems to crush you at the time, just makes you stronger in the end. H’mm, that’s very phylosophical of me for a Thursday afternoon. Must learn to spell phylosophycal philospohycal philosophical.

19/10/2003 UNIVERSITY: Am so proud of me! Have spent the entire day doing boring Postmodernism coursework. All something to do with hyperreality. Very confusing. Despite having written 2,503 words, I still don’t understand it. This does not bode well for the ‘A’ grade I was hoping for.

29/11/2004 UNIVERSITY: Momentous occasion: Handed in my dissertation. *Takes a bow*.

03/10/2005 POST-UNIVERSITY: An ode to Tony: “When I fall in love, it will be forever”. Thank you Nat King Cole. 

Note to self: Must put prophetic talents to good use. A winning lottery ticket would be a great start.

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32 thoughts on “Oh Dear Diaries…

    • Don’t feel too bad. Probably wise that she’ll never see them! 😉 Think of your blog as your legacy instead.

      We earned pocket money growing up and one thing we had to do every week was clean our bedrooms, though I mastered the art of shoving stuff in cupboards and under my bed. I don’t think I’ve changed much… 😉

  1. This post was awesome to start with. I mean, “Tiny Tearsgate”? Peter Andre? Bahahaha!!!

    But the contents of your diaries… priceless! I like the development in the New Year’s resolutions. In one year from marrying Ronan Keating to snogging just about any guy who offered – I am literally rolling on the floor here!

    • Sandra, you scared me! I thought when you wrote “This post was awesome to start with” that you were about to break it to me gently that the rest of the post was pantaloons. Gladly not. 🙂

      Thank you as always for your genuinely delightful critique. Your opinion matters to me. 🙂 I hope your floor has been hoovered recently. 😉

  2. I used to keep a diary too, but then for some reason I threw them away and now, especially in reading your blog post, I really do regret doing so. I think I remember cringing (probably about a week after writing it) and so tossed it in the bin. Not to mention my mum ALWAYS used to read it 😦 Although in my defence it was stupidly embarrassing – you wanted to marry RK? I wanted to run away at 16 and find Hulk Hogan. Errgghhhh. That’s awful. And creepy.

    I also had a Tiny Tears – although I was the one who maimed her. I cut her hair to the scalp, sorry, Tiny Tears, I did love you.

    • I definitely came extremely close to binning them on numerous occasions. The early ones in particular are extremely cringe-worthy, which I imagine explains why they are so amusing to me.

      Fortunately my mother would never have dreamt of reading my diary. Had she done so, it probably would have bored her to death and I’m not convinced my plans to marry Ronan Keating would have worried her. Hulk Hogan on the other hand! 😉

      I once gave one of my Trolls a mohawk. Never again… 😉 Thanks!

  3. I’m very bad at keeping a diary. I’ll start an entry and I’ll go back to it five years later so there’s a lot of revising, and it’s hard to tell what is accurate and what has been airbrushed to make myself look less lame.

    You have a treasure trove right there. I’m impressed.

    • But you have your blog now to record everything, and to look back on in 10 years and laugh – or look back on in 10 minutes and laugh! It is very funny! 🙂

      I’m so glad I kept them. Was very tempted to destroy them several times. They are part of me now – along with childhood photographs and doodles. Ah, memories… 😀

  4. Morning! You have been nominated for the Kreativ Blogger Award! Check out my blog for rules if you wish to accept! Happy Blogging!

  5. I do love reading through my old diary entries, even though sometimes it’s almost a little embarassing to see what was consuming my thoughts at the time. I wasn’t very consistent, so I think there are a few tellings of family trips as a kid (complete with sketches – it was obvious from an early age that I wouldn’t become rich off of my artistic skills) and then some stuff out of the college years and later. Thanks for the peek into your mind over the years!

    • Old diary entries are amazing. The slang I used in my diary at fifteen was outrageous. Easy to forget what life if like at that age. Sketches enhance the whole thing, even if not aesthetically pleasing!

      Thank you Arizona girl. 🙂

  6. I’ve kept diaries over the years, but the older I got, the more I only wrote when I was either sad or angry. Anyone who reads them will think I was bipolar without meds…

    • I’ve certainly had a tendency to document either totally wonderful, or painfully difficult times as I’ve gotten older. 2004 was definitely my annus horribilis but things got better, much better in fact. When I look back at how hard life has been sometimes, it makes me appreciate how awesome things are now. 🙂

      If anyone actually read my diaries in their entirety, it would merely serve to confirm what everyone already knows about me: I am crackers! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  7. I loved this! Well done. But I can’t believe you didn’t make things up for dramatic purposes like I did in my diary. You already knew that, I know.

    “My plans to go into Uni today were scuppered by an overwhelming desire to sit at home on my bed and highlight stuff. Very important stuff; naturally.” Hilarious because what the hell did highlighting really help with anyway. I thought somehow that whatever I highlighted in my textbook I would magically retain in my memory come test time. Nope.

    • With hindsight, it was foolish of me to omit my fantasy dates with David Beckham, Brad Pitt and Ronan Keating. Shame on me.

      So true! Highlighting achieves nothing! Particularly when, you highlight an entire page. Looked pretty though…

      Oh and I must thank you for my 1000th ‘like’! Thank you! 🙂 Good luck with the 400 word limit thing!

    • There should be a law or something – banning diaries from being destroyed! You can have one of mine if you like and pretend it was yours? Did you also learn all the words to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, cut your own fringe and paint your bedroom purple and lime green?

  8. Pingback: Friends, Romans, Readers, Lend Me Your Ears | jessseeker

  9. Love this, Jesse!
    I have so many diaries. Have kept one since age 7 and still do. Oh, and I’m still mad at my sister for reading my diary at age 11! What was so tantalizing at that age to cause such horror?
    I really want to interview you for my blog/performance, Jesse! I could send you a few questions if you’d like-perhaps we could do a shared posting? I’m doing a “faces of project1979” series where I interview via email, the phone or Skype, all of the wonderful people in our age group who are just so great at being awesome. I like what you’re doing with your blog-your writing expresses so much!

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