After several failed attempts, involving one giant paper aeroplane, thirty-six helium balloons, a home-made tea towel cape and a regrettable leap of faith from my best friend’s swing set, it became apparent to me at a young age that I was not meant to fly.
Over the last twenty-nine years, I have also realised:
1. My tree climbing talents are pretty much on par with that of a goldfish, and as such I am unlikely to ever become an Olympic Gymnast.
2. Despite my love of snow, snowballs, snow angels and snowmen, I once got so cold and wet playing in the white stuff that I cried for three hours and wished my fingers would fall off. The Polar Expedition I had planned with my brothers, Rainbow Brite and Kermit the Frog was swiftly called off.
3. Someone put salt in the sea and it doesn’t taste very nice. As such, there is simply no way I will be able to swim the Atlantic, solo, coated in goose fat – as hoped. Devastated.
4. I was conned. My invisibility dust turned out to be run-of-the-mill glitter. I not only failed to steal the cookie jar unnoticed, but left a sparkly path in my wake. Cat burglar I am not.
5. Despite fine-tuning a professional pout; my total inability to give up chicken wings is probably to blame for the downfall of my modelling career. (When I say “the downfall of”, I mean “my totally nonexistent”). Nando’s have a lot to answer for.
After so many setbacks, failures, fractures and disappointments in my life – I’d probably be justified in thinking that I belong on the scrapheap, along with cassette tapes, floppy disks, Charlie Sheen and Justin Bieber. But, no. Occasionally (and I mean very occasionally) I have a moment of brilliance, which compensates for the fact I cannot fly:
After four fabulous and thoroughly loved-up years together, in the summer of 2009, Tony finally did the decent thing and got down on one knee at a local beauty spot and asked me to marry him. I squealed a little, cried a lot, leapt on him with delight, eventually remembered to say “yes” and then proceeded to fall down a rabbit hole. Needless to say – I was overjoyed. Within a week of our engagement I began to think of ideas for a suitably outstanding wedding gift for him. I mean EPIC. (Cufflinks were not an option).
Aside from me and rib-eye steak, one of the greatest loves of Tony’s life is Premiership football team Manchester United. So over the next two years I secretly sent 165 letters to 142 Manchester United players (past and present) in over half a dozen countries and many of them wrote back. I managed to collate over sixty-five autographs and best wishes on personalised Wedding Day greetings cards from some epic legends – including Ryan Giggs, Peter Schmeichel, Bobby Charlton, Denis Law, Bill Foulkes, Nobby Stiles, Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo. I compiled them in an album for him to open on the morning of our wedding day. He says he didn’t cry when he saw it, but I like to think he did.
Post Honeymoon, Tony took said album into the office with him. I received this email from a senior work colleague that afternoon. It made me smile:
I’m with Einstein on this; everybody is a genius. You just have to unlock the potential from within – and realise that thirty-six helium balloons will be insufficient to power your flight to the moon. Several hundred on the other hand…
Thanks! 🙂 My trials and tribulations usually raise a smile 😉
AAAAAHHHHHHH! What a lovely wife you are – pat on back for life
I don’t do normal gifts 😉 Thanks! 😀
What a wonderful idea. Plus, you should give yourself extra genius points for writing beautiful, fun and thoroughly addictive blog posts.
Sandra, you are very kind to me, thanks! 🙂 Genius points awarded to you too for Island Monkeys 😀
Points to you for your present. That’s dedication!
I’m getting married later this year. Suppose I’d better think of something other than cufflinks.
Dedication indeed! I wrote out a LOT of self addressed envelopes in different handwriting to pretend they weren’t from me when they arrived. Tony definitely knew I was up to something, he just didn’t know what! I had lots of time, but not much money, so it worked out really well. It’s our new family heirloom 🙂 Anything personal and creative usually works – perhaps make a scrapbook of your life together, but allow for extra pages to add to it through the coming years?
A very exciting time! Congrats! 🙂
wowwww… ok, inspiration! Thanks!
You have written one of my favorite quotes of all time! No matter how you slice it you’re a genius in your own world!
Absolutely! The funny thing is – I fell in love with the quote, then stared at it for three days before any post ideas came to me. I was determined to use it though, because of its brilliance 🙂
Genius wedding gift idea. Now what about all those big anniversaries? Great post.
Thanks! Fortunately Tony knows that this gift was never to be repeated, equalled or surpassed 🙂 I might stretch to a Mars bar for our one year anniversary 😉
I looooove the way you look at the world! And, nice work on the wedding present!
Thanks! 😀 My outlook keeps me smiley, so it works for me. Keep smiling too! 😀
Kudos on the best present, ev-er! I like your view!
Thank you! It was a brief moment of genius I think. All downhill from now on… 😉
Great story about your wedding!
Thanks Anita 🙂 For some strange and unknown reason, your comment was flagged as spam. Outrageous!
Marriage is the best 🙂
You really are a genius! Tony is a very lucky man. Thanks for sharing this wonderful (and relaly funny) story!
Ha! I’m not sure about that, but thanks 😉 You’re welcome! Thanks for your ongoing support 🙂
I am so with you on the salt water! I don’t know if there are many of us out there. Everyone I talk to LOVES swimming in salt water. I’d rather stick needles in my eyes.
If I could swim in it without swallowing half the water and thereby trebling my recommended daily sodium intake then I’m sure it’d be fine. Maybe someone could sift out the salt? 😉
Thanks for the smile this morning. Lovely article.
You’re too kind, thank you! Glad to put a smile on your face. I’m on a mission to get the world smiling. One down, roughly 7 trillion to go… 😉
i am inspired by your way of thinking… you have such a good imagination and creativity when it comes to giving gifts… yep ur right…Genius is the word….
and i love this movie Up…best movie ever..
I think ‘Up’ may well be my favourite movie of all time too! (Certainly up there in my Top 3). Though I do cry my way through the first twenty minutes 😉 Love, love LOVE it! To be honest – anything Pixar is alright by me 😀
Thank you so much for your kind words! You’ve made me smile 😀
you said it anything by Pixar is good 🙂 …have you seen Wall-e? if you like Up you will love it too… 😉
and who doesn’t cry at the first 20 minutes..specially when Ellie dies..
Wall-E also rules! You clearly have a brilliant mind and excellent taste 😉
I so would have been on that expedition with you and Rainbow Brite. She’s my girl.
We could all have worn matching rainbow coloured outfits – it would have been amazing! She’s a legend 🙂
Seriously, what do you have against Justin Bieber?
Methinks the lady doth protest too much…!
Aah Chris, of Chlog fame – we meet again 🙂
I think it was when JB failed to chat up Cheryl Cole on the X Factor that he reached an all time low.
Yes that WAS terrible.
It would never have worked out for them anyway, because of the whole accent thing.
So true. They’d need a Interpretor to accompany them on all dates. Not cool.
Sweetie, you fly nearly every time you post. You are such a natural at this funny business and at being a delightful you. He is a lucky, lucky man. 🙂
You say the nicest things! Thank you so much! I honestly never considered myself to be funny until I started writing this. Why did nobody tell me? 😉
Hard to believe, but if that’s true, what a wonderful surprise! I know you are happy already, but I can see even happier things are coming your way. (Is that possible??? Yep!!!!) Hope you are prepared for it! 🙂
Oh I do hope you’re right! I could do with a job right now – unemployment is highly underrated – and it’s only been 3 weeks.
I’m ready!! 😀 Thanks as always 🙂
Please, its been 3 YEARS for me! I left intentionally for good reason back then, but now that I want back in… fugghetabouddit! So, I feel your pain!
You do make me smile. Just think of it as an adventure! 🙂
😀 😀 😀
You truly are a genius. I would never have thought to do that for my husband and his favorite hockey team. For the record I think you would have made it further then Kermit.
Don’t feel too bad, I think I used up a lifetime’s worth of good ideas in the very moment I thought it up…It’s all downhill from now on 😉
Excellent observation about Kermit. I’m not sure how, as an amphibian he would cope in such a climate – he would certainly struggle to carry his own bodyweight in dehydrated food…
Thanks, as always 😀
I would second the BEST WIFE EVER subject line. That is a handy skill indeed.
It IS a handy life skill and highly underrated! Now all I need to do is work out how to switch the washing machine on and how the oven works – and then I’m there 😉