Give Peas a Chance

Meet Goldie. Like me, she is one of five children. Along with her siblings – Blackberry, Snow White, Custard and Silvery, she resides in a bijou waterlogged glass-fronted apartment in the posh part of Watford.

She is a lifelong supporter of Brighton and Hove Albion, though is yet to attend any football matches at their home ground due to mobility issues.

At three years old, Goldie likes nothing more than chewing her siblings’ tails, watching SpongeBob SquarePants and listening to Lady Gaga.

Come Dine with Me was her favourite television programme – until they showed her great-aunt being deep fried and served as an entrée. That kind of took the magic out of it.

Two days ago Goldie took a turn for the worse. Those of a nervous disposition should look away now: 

It is fair to say that everyone apart from Goldie’s owner (my cousin Sarah) had given up on her. A patch of lawn at the back of the garden was earmarked for her grave and a discarded tube of Bisto gravy granules was set aside for her coffin.

All was not lost though, as rumour had it that when fish swim upside down – they are not necessarily on their death bed, just somewhat constipated. (Who knew?) Not only that, but frozen peas (yes, peas) aid their digestion.

So Sarah fed Goldie peas accordingly – and look what happened overnight:

"My mama told me when I was young, We are all born superstars"

It’s a fishy miracle!

I feel there are two morals to this story:

1. Never give up on someone you love.
2. Give peas a chance.