RE: Job Ref no. 3947984HELPMEEEEEEEE
Dear Prime Minister,
May I call you Dave? Allow me to introduce myself – I am a consummate banking professional with a proven record of meeting deadlines, hitting targets and delivering excellent customer service. I can roll my tongue, order a hotdog in 17 languages and hold my breath for an hour and a half (so long as no-one pinches my nose).
I would like to put myself forward for the role of Deputy Prime Minister.
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED ME:
- I am yet to leave any classified documentation on a train. (Just 3 umbrellas and a broken stiletto).
- My moat does not need cleaning.
- My ducks already have a home.
- I would rather stick a fork in my eye than attend a Nazi-themed party. I only frequent tasteful and sophisticated celebrations, with the upmost decorum.
IN ADDITION, I WOULD NEVER:
- Waste 38 pence on a Kit Kat chunky, only to claim it on expenses. Any chocolate connoisseur knows – the classic Kit Kat is vastly superior.
- Be caught referring to a pensioner as “bigoted”. It’s the youth of today who need to buck their ideas up.
- Be overheard jokily telling you that we have the same opinion on too many things. I agree with you on nothing.
Please wish Nick Clegg all the best for me with his Ostrich Farm venture in Dorset.
As the strongest candidate for the job, I thoroughly recommend you hire me now.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.