“Remember, as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family”

1989 ROCKED

• I was 7.
• Kylie still loved Jason.
• Alice bands, shell suits and scrunchies were in vogue.
• I mastered handstands, cartwheels and cat’s cradle.
• My troll collection quadrupled to an outrageously impressive: 4.
• Wallace took Gromit on a grand day out and they ate lots of cheese.
• A big wall fell down in Berlin and all the grown-ups got very excited.
• My youngest brother Mike was born.

Admittedly, I didn’t necessarily greet the latter with the enthusiasm it deserved. I actually recall telling my parents in no uncertain terms to send him back.

My three other brothers failed to sympathise, as unlike me – they were delighted to have another man about the house.

After a year or two – I grew to love, adore and mother him.

Not just 2.4 children

There was a Simpsons’ poster on display in my father’s study for several years when I was growing up. It read –

“Remember, as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family”.

I was never entirely sure what constituted ‘normal’ but I was pretty confident we weren’t it.

• Oli was a nerd.
• Chris sang. At all times.
• I was the only girl and as such – terribly misunderstood.
• Joe was into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, aliens and dinosaurs.
• Mike liked whatever Joe liked.
• Dad worked roughly 87 hours a week.
• Mum was the glue that held us all together.

There were certain logistical advantages to being the only girl – I got my very own room for example. I also got a lot of sympathy from strangers. “Four brothers? You poor thing. They must pick on you an awful lot”. God no. I was a red belt in Tae Kwon-Do, they wouldn’t dare.

It wasn’t all smooth sailing however:

• Oli’s bedroom was next to mine. He played Prodigy’s ‘Firestarter’ on repeat at 140 decibels for about 3 years. I played Boyzone.
• Chris decapitated my Tiny Tears doll. I punched him.
• Joe shot me with Nerf bullets. A lot. I locked him in the garden shed.
• Mike copied Joe. He also ended up in the shed.

Grown-ups (well, almost)

I’m pleased to report that Oli is still a nerd. A wildly successful one (they’re the best kind). As far as I know – he no longer listens to music that makes his ears bleed.

Chris no longer rips heads off dolls. He gets paid to buy stuff (genius I know) for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

I am still claiming to be misunderstood. On a positive note – I no longer have cause to punch my brothers or hold them captive.

Dad confiscated Joe’s Nerf gun on a Sunday afternoon in 1992, following an unfortunate incident with our neighbour’s pet goat. I don’t believe it was ever returned to him. He’s currently a Team Leader for Costa, loves playing host and is highly domesticated.

Mike no longer copies everything Joe does. He closely resembles a Wookiee and favours music that makes his ears bleed.

Families rule!