Dear Jessica, You shouldn’t have…

Dear Jessica,

Just what I always wanted – a plastic reindeer with edible poop. How ever did you know? I feel so silly now for only getting you a new Laptop, Blu-Ray player, 3 albums, 2 sets of pyjamas and a day ticket to a luxury Spa. You shouldn’t have. Really.

Having reviewed your list of demands, I can inform you that:

• Sadly the British postal service is beyond help. Your Postman however may benefit from a few mood enhancing drugs slipped into his morning coffee, so no promises – but I’ll see what I can do.
• I could provide toys to all the children of France for the price of one pair of Louboutin stilettos. Send me a Slanket and consider it done. (The French probably won’t even notice).
• I already have a contract out on Justin Bieber.
• I’m hoping to cure cancer in the next few months. After that, I’ll move on to diabetes.
• It may have escaped your notice, but Beyoncé is very much preggers at the mo. Booty shaking is not permitted (doctor’s orders) until at least 3 hours after the birth.
• You really need to speak to the Stork about the whole baby thing. While we’re on the topic – don’t overlook the Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny, who are both very clued up about children, babies and similar such things.
• David Beckham and his right foot are indeed fully booked until May 2037. I can however get you Wayne Rooney in a stocking. If it helps – I find he looks less Shrek-like if you squint.
• My sources in the know assure me that Boris Johnson is already odds on favourite to become PM in 2012, with Stephen Fry – a close second. I would consider that a result either way.
• I imagine we can rustle you up a bike with stabilisers. Alternatively, you could learn to ride one like any normal 5½ year old child.
• I killed Bin-Laden and Gadaffi, reunited The Stone Roses and convinced Sarah Palin to withdraw from the next American Presidential candidate race, all in one year. I deem that to be a pretty good start to World peace. You’re welcome.

Consider the Elves high-fived. They’re looking forward to meeting this Dave Cameron chap in March to discuss job openings in his Cabinet. I hear it’s quite likely he’ll need a new Deputy and I have just the right Elf for the job.

Regarding Cat-Gate 2011 – please allow me to make a few suggestions:

1. I know Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton isn’t yours, but for the love of God – please rename her! That cat seriously needs to man-up, so something like Nails, Claw or Scar ought to do the trick.
2. I beg you not to throw fruit at the cat again. She doesn’t understand the message behind it and it’s cruel. Aim it at the owners instead – they’ll soon get the hint.
3. If all else fails – buy a rabid dog.

Congratulations on your nuptials. May you have many happy years together, with lots of children who take after their father.  Excellent news about Steps and Westlife, sorry to hear about your husband’s redundancy and the discontinued cheese. Hey ho – swings and roundabouts.

Oh and one last thing: Please stop leaving me milk and cookies. I’m lactose intolerant and the chocolate chips get stuck in my dentures.

Ho ho ho and all that.

Santa

xxx