Dear Santa Claus,
Yet another flawless Christmas delivery; bravo. Would you be so kind as to educate Royal Mail on how it’s done? Even just the basics – like good time-keeping and not dropping items before they reach their destination would be fabulous. As a seasoned miracle-worker though, if you can teach my Postman to smile, then there may even be an extra homemade double choc-chip cookie in it for you next Christmas!
Thanks, as always for my fabulous gifts. I knew they’d be amazing, seeing as I’ve been extra good this year (aside from the minor incident with next door’s cat and a Satsuma. In my defence – I spent 3 long months tending to that flower border before Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton decided to desecrate it).
On the whole, I am pleased to report that 2011 has been a fabulous year. In summary:
- Most importantly – I got married. We had a HEUWAGE party to celebrate. It was fabulous.
- Of lesser significance – Wills and Kate also got married. I think they had a small doo to mark the occasion.
- Steps have reformed.
- Westlife are splitting up.
- My hubby got made redundant.
- ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ legend Sir Jimmy Savile died
- London Riots. Disgraceful.
- Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton pooped on my rosebush.
- The local supermarket has stopped selling my favourite cheese.
Did you like what we’ve done with the house? I thought you might appreciate the red accent walls, what with it being your favourite colour and all. Consider it homage to you. Apologies for the dead pine tree in the corner (not homage to you), I’m going to write a stern letter of complaint to my MP about that. I’ve known house flies live longer.
My organisational skills continue to impress and astound others. Just 2 days after Christmas and I’ve already purchased plentiful supplies of festive gift wrap, sticky bows, ribbon and cards, courtesy of the Boxing Day Sales, in preparation for next year (some call it “tight” I prefer the term “prepared”). Thank You cards have also been written and posted to all relevant parties. I might even surpass myself in 2012 and get Easter and Halloween in the bag by February. So in the interests of planning and organisation, I thought I’d provide my Christmas list to you for next year, nice and early – like, well, erm…now.
I don’t ask for much, just:
- One smiley Postman.
- Diamond encrusted Louboutins (size 6 ½).
- A ‘Delete’ button to eliminate all animals, vegetables and minerals that irritate me, including, though not exclusive to: Justin Bieber, Michael Bublé, Matthew McConaughey, Sarah Palin, Simon Cowell, Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton, Brussel Sprouts, Avocados and Talc.
- A cure for diabetes. Pretty please.
- A dance-off with Beyoncé.
- A baby. Preferably one that is potty trained from birth and able to wind itself.
- David Beckham* in my Christmas stocking. *If you are unable to secure David Beckham due to his busy work schedule, then I am willing to accept any of the following as substitutes: Bradley Cooper, Brad Pitt (clean-shaven only), Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp. Please don’t embarrass yourself by trying to fob me off with Zac Efron.
- Boris Johnson for British Prime Minister. He’ll show the rest of them how it’s done.
- A pink grown-up bicycle with bell, basket, ribbons and stabilisers.
- World peace. Given that this may be something of a challenge – you have 2 years.
If you can see to it that the above demands are satisfied, then I shall endeavour to be an exceedingly good girl in 2012. I will tidy my room, make my bed, do the washing-up, pay the council tax, cook the tea, be nice to the Postman and promise not to throw any more fruit at felines with silly names (justified or not).
Please high-five the Elves for me on yet another job well-done. I think the youth of today could learn a lot from their strong work ethic. I’ll have words with David Cameron and try and get them an appointment at No.10.
Please find enclosed a small token of my appreciation in the form of a plastic reindeer that poops chocolate raisins. No need to thank me, I know it’s brilliant.
With love, hugs and chocolate raisins,
Jessica M, aged 29 ¼
As a new parent I can share that Santa does quite a lot of his work via the medium of subcontracting.
I have actually had to do quite a lot of the work myself…!
I am looking forward to hearing more about your arch-nemesis, Princess Mercedes.
I trust that as one of Santa’s subcontractors you were paid sufficiently in milk, cookies and carrots? Sadly I’m all out of pooping reindeer, but otherwise you could have one to express my gratitude.
I’ll keep you informed of any developments regarding Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton, though it’s not looking good for her at the minute as we have at least 6 clementines well past their sell-by date…
Santa’s helpers get whisky in our house.
This is a Very Important Rule.
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