Dear Jessica, You shouldn’t have…

Dear Jessica,

Just what I always wanted – a plastic reindeer with edible poop. How ever did you know? I feel so silly now for only getting you a new Laptop, Blu-Ray player, 3 albums, 2 sets of pyjamas and a day ticket to a luxury Spa. You shouldn’t have. Really.

Having reviewed your list of demands, I can inform you that:

  • Sadly the British postal service is beyond help. Your Postman however may benefit from a few mood enhancing drugs slipped into his morning coffee, so no promises – but I’ll see what I can do.
  • I could provide toys to all the children of France for the price of one pair of Louboutin stilettos. Send me a Slanket and consider it done. (The French probably won’t even notice).
  • I already have a contract out on Justin Bieber.
  • I’m hoping to cure cancer in the next few months. After that, I’ll move on to diabetes.
  • It may have escaped your notice, but Beyoncé is very much preggers at the mo. Booty shaking is not permitted (doctor’s orders) until at least 3 hours after the birth.
  • You really need to speak to the Stork about the whole baby thing. While we’re on the topic – don’t overlook the Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny, who are both very clued up about children, babies and similar such things.
  • David Beckham and his right foot are indeed fully booked until May 2037. I can however get you Wayne Rooney in a stocking. If it helps – I find he looks less Shrek-like if you squint.
  • My sources in the know assure me that Boris Johnson is already odds on favourite to become PM in 2012, with Stephen Fry – a close second. I would consider that a result either way.
  • I imagine we can rustle you up a bike with stabilisers. Alternatively, you could learn to ride one like any normal 5½ year old child.
  • I killed Bin-Laden and Gadaffi, reunited The Stone Roses and convinced Sarah Palin to withdraw from the next American Presidential candidate race, all in one year. I deem that to be a pretty good start to World peace. You’re welcome.

Consider the Elves high-fived. They’re looking forward to meeting this Dave Cameron chap in March to discuss job openings in his Cabinet. I hear it’s quite likely he’ll need a new Deputy and I have just the right Elf for the job.

Regarding Cat-Gate 2011 – please allow me to make a few suggestions:

  1. I know Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton isn’t yours, but for the love of God – please rename her! That cat seriously needs to man-up, so something like Nails, Claw or Scar ought to do the trick.
  2. I beg you not to throw fruit at the cat again. She doesn’t understand the message behind it and it’s cruel. Aim it at the owners instead – they’ll soon get the hint.
  3. If all else fails – buy a rabid dog.

Congratulations on your nuptials. May you have many happy years together, with lots of children who take after their father.  Excellent news about Steps and Westlife, sorry to hear about your husband’s redundancy and the discontinued cheese. Hey ho – swings and roundabouts.

Oh and one last thing: Please stop leaving me milk and cookies. I’m lactose intolerant and the chocolate chips get stuck in my dentures.

Ho ho ho and all that.



You did it again Santa. Bravo…

Dear Santa Claus,

Yet another flawless Christmas delivery; bravo. Would you be so kind as to educate Royal Mail on how it’s done? Even just the basics – like good time-keeping and not dropping items before they reach their destination would be fabulous. As a seasoned miracle-worker though, if you can teach my Postman to smile, then there may even be an extra homemade double choc-chip cookie in it for you next Christmas!

Thanks, as always for my fabulous gifts. I knew they’d be amazing, seeing as I’ve been extra good this year (aside from the minor incident with next door’s cat and a Satsuma. In my defence – I spent 3 long months tending to that flower border before Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton decided to desecrate it).

On the whole, I am pleased to report that 2011 has been a fabulous year. In summary:


  • Most importantly – I got married. We had a HEUWAGE party to celebrate. It was fabulous.
  • Of lesser significance – Wills and Kate also got married. I think they had a small doo to mark the occasion.
  • Steps have reformed.
  • Westlife are splitting up.


  • My hubby got made redundant.
  • Jim’ll Fix It legend Sir Jimmy Savile died
  • London Riots. Disgraceful.
  • Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton pooped on my rosebush.
  • The local supermarket has stopped selling my favourite cheese.

Did you like what we’ve done with the house? I thought you might appreciate the red accent walls, what with it being your favourite colour and all. Consider it homage to you. Apologies for the dead pine tree in the corner (not homage to you), I’m going to write a stern letter of complaint to my MP about that. I’ve known house flies live longer.

My organisational skills continue to impress and astound others. Just 2 days after Christmas and I’ve already purchased plentiful supplies of festive gift wrap, sticky bows, ribbon and cards, courtesy of the Boxing Day Sales, in preparation for next year (some call it “tight” I prefer the term “prepared”). Thank You cards have also been written and posted to all relevant parties. I might even surpass myself in 2012 and get Easter and Halloween in the bag by February.  So in the interests of planning and organisation, I thought I’d provide my Christmas list to you for next year, nice and early – like, well, erm…now.

I don’t ask for much, just:

  1. One smiley Postman.
  2. Diamond encrusted Louboutins (size 6 ½).
  3. A ‘Delete’ button to eliminate all animals, vegetables and minerals that irritate me, including, though not exclusive to: Justin Bieber, Michael Bublé, Matthew McConaughey, Sarah Palin, Simon Cowell, Princess Mercedes Armani von Fluffinton, Brussel Sprouts, Avocados and Talc.
  4. A cure for diabetes. Pretty please.
  5. A dance-off with Beyoncé.
  6. A baby. Preferably one that is potty trained from birth and able to wind itself.
  7. David Beckham* in my Christmas stocking. *If you are unable to secure David Beckham due to his busy work schedule, then I am willing to accept any of the following as substitutes: Bradley Cooper, Brad Pitt (clean-shaven only), Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp. Please don’t embarrass yourself by trying to fob me off with Zac Efron.
  8. Boris Johnson for British Prime Minister. He’ll show the rest of them how it’s done.
  9. A pink grown-up bicycle with bell, basket, ribbons and stabilisers.
  10. World peace. Given that this may be something of a challenge – you have 2 years.

If you can see to it that the above demands are satisfied, then I shall endeavour to be an exceedingly good girl in 2012. I will tidy my room, make my bed, do the washing-up, pay the council tax, cook the tea, be nice to the Postman and promise not to throw any more fruit at felines with silly names (justified or not).

Please high-five the Elves for me on yet another job well-done. I think the youth of today could learn a lot from their strong work ethic. I’ll have words with David Cameron and try and get them an appointment at No.10.

Please find enclosed a small token of my appreciation in the form of a plastic reindeer that poops chocolate raisins. No need to thank me, I know it’s brilliant.

With love, hugs and chocolate raisins,

Jessica M, aged 29 ¼

Kisses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx