1. Thou Shalt Not Document Thy Every Move.
“Just got out of bed. Dreamt about being a pufferfish”. [0 Comments].
“Breakfast”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].
“On bus”. [0 Comments].
“At work. Photocopier broken”. [0 Comments].
“Lunch”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].
“Work update: Photocopier fixed”. [0 Comments].
“On bus again. Old man sitting next to me smells of socks”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].
“Walking from bus to my house”. [0 Comments].
“I wonder what I should have for tea”. [1 Comment: “Cyanide” (32 Likes)].
“Chicken nuggets, chips and peas. Yum yum”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].
“Jam roly-poly for dessert”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].
“Off to bed. Night night homies”. [0 Comments].
2. Thou Shalt Not Use Stupid Apps and then Invite Others to Use Said Apps.
I will throw an actual sheep at the next person who invites me to join FarmVille.
Don’t think I’m joking.
3. Thou Shalt Not ‘Friend’ Thy Mother or Thy Boss.
Pictures of you dressed as Hitler will not impress them.
Status updates like “Dude, last night was so funked* up. Did anyone return the llama?” are also unlikely to put you in line for promotion.
Also, if you really don’t want your mother to see the dodgy tattoo on your left buttock, then it is probably wise not to moon your best friend when he’s armed with a camera.
4. Thou Shalt Not Create a Group, Then Send Thirty-Two Thousand Frickin’ Messages.
I thought I’d message you again, just to say – there’s still no update. Once I have an update, I’ll let you know, but if I don’t hear anything then I’ll get back to you within 30 minutes”.
5. Thou Shalt Not ‘Friend’ People Thou Dost Not Know.
Nobody has 36,792 friends. Not even the cast of Friends.
6. Thou Shalt Not Air Thy Dirty Laundry in Public.
“You think you know someone, give them everything, then they funk* you over. Trust no one”.
There’s a time and a place for this sort of thing. You have 2 choices:
- In a quiet bar, with close friends.
- On national television with Jeremy Kyle.
*Censored for the women and children.
7. Thou Shalt Not Tag Friends in Incriminating Photos. Unless Thou Wanteth No Friends.
Your real concern however should be the ammunition your friends have against you.
Hot-pink leotards don’t look good on anyone – particularly 12 year old boys. Dancing to Madonna. With 7 girls. On stage. At Brownies.
8. Thou Shalt Not Divulge Too Much Information.
I am delighted that your baby made it here safely. Name, birth weight and “mother and baby doing well” will suffice. Details of the labour, how many centimetres dilated and reports that “it got a bit messy” are superfluous to requirements. I’m quite happy to maintain my belief that you found him or her in a cabbage patch. Thank you.
9. Thou Shalt Not Rant Chronically.
“I can’t believe the price of stamps have gone up by 10%! 10%!”
“God it’s hot. I hate this”.
“Freezing cold. Come back sun”.
In the words of Chandler Bing “My wallet’s too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight”.
10. Thou Shalt Not Contact Anyone Whilst Intoxicated.
Never EVER declare your undying love or burning hatred to someone whilst inebriated.
Your spelling and grammar will be atrocious.