Day 21. Teetering on the Precipice of Stupidity

I once inadvertently drove a car the wrong way round a roundabout. (Not something I recommend). It was without doubt the most stupid thing I have ever, ever done.

Until now. 

Day 21 of my plan to take over the world, and I have made an epic decision. I was aiming for brave – but am pretty sure it’s just really stupid. Drum roll please… 

I AM LEAVING WORDPRESS 

Before you pelt me with fruit, please allow me explain:

I started this humble blog roughly 15 weeks ago, with very little expectation that anyone other than my mother would read it. That didn’t worry me though – I just wanted to write.

Then most unexpectedly (for reasons unknown) after 6 and a half weeks, a post of mine was Freshly Pressed. My mind swiftly exploded and I gave a heartfelt acceptance speech to my fridge-freezer. It also made me realise that maybe, just maybe – my blog was not that bad, actually.

With total hits to date surpassing 39,000, my mind exploded once again today. Most inconvenient, as it made a terrible mess in my living room. Note to self: Must lay down plastic sheeting.

Just to clarify – I am under no illusion whatsoever that I have ‘made it’ in the blogging world. Far from it. But the last few months have given me a tiny glimmer of hope that one day – I just might.

So further to my ludicrous plans for world domination, my brother has very kindly offered to build me a website (he’s good like that). There is one major problem however – WordPress, being god ‘dam geniuses, make it exceptionally difficult to leave. Basically I have two options:

Plan A. Buy my own URL, stay on WordPress, upgrade to a prettier (though still generic) template. Keep my hits, my loyal followers and my sanity.

Plan B. Buy my own URL, leave WordPress, gain a unique bespoke website but lose my hits, my followers and all that I’ve worked towards for the last 4 months. Wave goodbye to my sanity. 

Naturally, I have opted for Plan B. Assuming I don’t manage to break it within 20 minutes, my new website will be up and running next week. I’m hoping that by having a site of my very own, I shall finally be taken seriously as a Creative Fruit Loop.

It is quite possible that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. But I can’t let a silly thing like fear of failure hold me back. I’m actually rather adept at being a screw up, so at least I have experience on my side.

Should you wish to follow me on my new path to resounding failure success, then please join me on Facebook by clicking the bluebird and selecting ‘Like’. 

For anyone in need of an incentive: I’m going to post a particularly delightful photo of me modelling a face pack on my wall once I reach 100 Facebook ‘likes’.

If I get to 200 then you’ll discover what I look like in an afro, fishnet tights, legwarmers and hot-pants.

Spoiler alert: It’s not pretty.

Thanks to everyone for your support – I couldn’t have done it without you. The loyalty, love, laughter, awards, and praise you have bestowed on me have simply blown my mind.

Good thing I finally laid down those plastic sheets.

The 10 Commandments of Facebook

1. Thou Shalt Not Document Thy Every Move.

“Just got out of bed. Dreamt about being a pufferfish”. [0 Comments].

“Breakfast”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“On bus”. [0 Comments].

“At work. Photocopier broken”. [0 Comments].

“Lunch”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“Work update: Photocopier fixed”. [0 Comments].

“On bus again. Old man sitting next to me smells of socks”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“Walking from bus to my house”. [0 Comments].

“I wonder what I should have for tea”. [1 Comment: “Cyanide” (32 Likes)].

“Chicken nuggets, chips and peas. Yum yum”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“Jam roly-poly for dessert”. *Includes photo*. [0 Comments].

“Off to bed. Night night homies”. [0 Comments].

2. Thou Shalt Not Use Stupid Apps and then Invite Others to Use Said Apps.

I will throw an actual sheep at the next person who invites me to join FarmVille

Don’t think I’m joking.

3. Thou Shalt Not ‘Friend’ Thy Mother or Thy Boss.

Pictures of you dressed as Hitler will not impress them.

Status updates like “Dude, last night was so funked* up. Did anyone return the llama?” are also unlikely to put you in line for promotion. 

Also, if you really don’t want your mother to see the dodgy tattoo on your left buttock, then it is probably wise not to moon your best friend when he’s armed with a camera.

4. Thou Shalt Not Create a Group, Then Send Thirty-Two Thousand Frickin’ Messages.

“Hi guys,

I thought I’d message you again, just to say – there’s still no update. Once I have an update, I’ll let you know, but if I don’t hear anything then I’ll get back to you within 30 minutes”.

5. Thou Shalt Not ‘Friend’ People Thou Dost Not Know.

Nobody has 36,792 friends. Not even the cast of Friends.

6. Thou Shalt Not Air Thy Dirty Laundry in Public.

“You think you know someone, give them everything, then they funk* you over. Trust no one”.

There’s a time and a place for this sort of thing. You have 2 choices:

  1. In a quiet bar, with close friends.
  2. On national television with Jeremy Kyle.

*Censored for the women and children.

7. Thou Shalt Not Tag Friends in Incriminating Photos. Unless Thou Wanteth No Friends.

Your real concern however should be the ammunition your friends have against you.

Hot-pink leotards don’t look good on anyone – particularly 12 year old boys. Dancing to Madonna. With 7 girls. On stage. At Brownies.

8. Thou Shalt Not Divulge Too Much Information.

I am delighted that your baby made it here safely. Name, birth weight and “mother and baby doing well” will suffice. Details of the labour, how many centimetres dilated and reports that “it got a bit messy” are superfluous to requirements. I’m quite happy to maintain my belief that you found him or her in a cabbage patch. Thank you.

9. Thou Shalt Not Rant Chronically.

“I can’t believe the price of stamps have gone up by 10%! 10%!”

“God it’s hot. I hate this”.

“Freezing cold. Come back sun”.

In the words of Chandler BingMy wallet’s too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight”.

10. Thou Shalt Not Contact Anyone Whilst Intoxicated. 

Never EVER declare your undying love or burning hatred to someone whilst inebriated.

Your spelling and grammar will be atrocious.

Life Before Facebook

Does anyone else remember life before Facebook? It was such a simple time:

Poking resulted in bruising.

You didn’t have 367 friends you never talk to.

No one knew, or cared what you ate for lunch. They still don’t care. 

If someone wrote on your wall, you’d report them for vandalism. Now you actively encourage friends to do so. 

Unless you wore a ring on your finger or your heart on your sleeve, then your relationship status was often a mystery to others.

You were only tagged in the playground by friends, not when eating chicken wings at Nando’s.

Your mother merely suspected you made a complete twit of yourself on Friday night. Now she has photographic evidence

ON A POSITIVE NOTE:

Nobody forgets your birthday anymore. Facebook won’t let them. 

You have a captive audience* to promote your latest business venture / charitable event / blog post / boyfriend / kitten.  *Until they get bored and unfriend you.

There’s always detagging. Phew.  

The power of networking. Presidents have been elected, Dictators fallen and Simon Cowell undermined, all thanks to Facebook. God bless it.

You learn new things. Like the medicinal power of peas, courtesy of your cousin’s constipated goldfish

Think of your Profile as the coolest autobiographical scrapbook ever. Absolutely no need to faff with glue, scissors, glitter, pretty paper, or not-so pretty paper cuts: