Excellent News! Nobody’s Perfect

I have four brothers. The eldest – Oliver, selfishly made life particularly difficult for the rest of us growing up, by being so goddamn brilliant. How rude. While I struggled to make a three legged cat from Stickle Bricks, he built the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World using matchsticks and wood glue. His Hanging Gardens of Babylon were particularly stupendous.

At eight years old, my extensive list of achievements included:

  • Playing a Daffodil in my school’s production of Alice in Wonderland.
  • Learning all of the words to Disney’s Beauty and the Beast.
  • Mastering my three times table.                             
  • Drawing a Viking, whose immense moustache protruded from his nostrils.

When Oliver was eight – he started programming computers. By nine – he moved on to assembler programming (whatever that is). I just thought he was showing off.

Some people are simply destined for greatness. Oliver is one of them. Though don’t feel too bad – he can’t cook:  

Rumour has it Victoria Beckham has twelve toes, Brad Pitt is actually bald, Adele’s breath smells of cabbage, Dame Judi Dench once had an illicit affair with Billy Connolly and Sylvester Stallone can’t sleep without his comfort blanket.

Okay, so none of the above statements are strictly true, but for a brief moment, when you thought they might have been – weren’t you uplifted, just a little? By learning the flaws and mistakes of others – we feel a little better about ourselves (and sometimes a teeny bit smug). 

If it helps – Lily Allen really does have a nubbin.

As I face the formidable task of job hunting in this uncertain financial climate, I am comforted by the fact I don’t actually need to be perfect. Excellent news, given that I have the hand-eye coordination of a Muppet, coupled with the athletic dexterity of Moby Dick. I may not be made for waitressing, cheerleading or fire-juggling, but I can string a sentence together. I even know what an apostrophe is and I’m not afraid to use one. So somewhere out there in the job hunting abyss is an occupation with my name on it, something I am meant to do – that doesn’t involve spilling hot drinks, dropping people, or setting myself ablaze.    

I hear there might be a few openings at The Sun

25 thoughts on “Excellent News! Nobody’s Perfect

  1. Hey, you didn’t mention that your brother is gorgeous! And funny. But then, that probably runs in the family. Good luck with the job hunt. You know, I used to be a banker too, and I am much happier, now that I am not anymore ;-)

  2. Good luck with the job hunt, as someone that has given a lot of interviews I would say be confident, dress well and don’t bullshit! If it is a something you are enthusiastic about/ good at it will shine through. P.S I only got to be the donkey in my school nativities!

  3. “Okay, so none of the above statements are strictly true, but for a brief moment, when you thought they might have been – weren’t you uplifted, just a little?”

    No! Not when it comes to Brad Pitt.

    Your brother’s video was great! Healthy home cooking is a worthy endeavor, and I hope it goals well for him. The more I learn about food, the more I am amazed as what goes for “food”.

    Great post!

  4. I loved this. And you really killed my dreams when I learned Victoria Beckham doesn’t actually have twelve toes. But are they at least webbed?

    By the way, you might not know this but you are now on the WordPress’ “recommended reading” page under the humor category. I saw this when I was doing my daily (um, yeah) stalking of the page to make sure my blog was still on there (it is…but probably not for long as I’m sure I’m setting off alarms by clicking on that page every day). It randomly circulates a few dozen blogs so you may have to check a couple or more times to see it there. Congrats! You’ve arrived! http://wordpress.com/#!/read/recommendations/

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